Advice #1: Advice For Men

It’s time to invest in some duct tape, my friend.

Men, it’s time we all hunkered down and discussed some issues that are in dire need of changing. For as long as you can remember, women have been making comments about how inconsiderate and generally stupid we are as a sex. The biggest difference between men and women is that women are very harsh self critics and most men don’t even understand how to be critical of the things they do. Take the guy with the heart shaved in his back. The vast majority of women would have derailed that train several stations before it got to the point of actually shaving the heart in and just about all women would have at least had the tact to wear a shirt. He’s not even the first man to have done that. He won’t be the last. What do all of these men have in common? They all thought it was a good idea and were proud of it. This is not a good idea. Do not be proud of something like that. Didn’t your parents teach you shame? I started with a list of the best pieces of advice that need to be given and worked it down to the most important life changes you may need to make. The list is as follows:

Lookin’ snazzy!

Do not flip your socks inside out and assume they’re clean – This should go without saying, right? A dirty sock is dirty no matter how you manipulate its form unless that manipulation involves soap, water and time away from your disgusting boots or shoes. It shames me that I have to even give this advice as it should be common sense. No one is impressed by your fuzzy sock insides nor by the smell that surrounds them. No one thinks, “I bet those socks smell really bad on the inside, but luckily all the odour is trapped within and I’m likely just smelling a processing plant nearby”. What are you thinking? I hate wearing shoes with no socks. It’s really disgusting. At the same time, it’s leagues better than wearing a sock and making it dirty on both sides. Yet I’ve seen dozens of guys do this in my life. It even looks terrible. How long does it take to wash just a bunch of socks and dry them? Less than an hour? Socks are also quite cheap. You have no excuse. Don’t pretend you’re making a wise choice when you do that. You certainly aren’t.

Somehow your dignity never fits in the back

If you’re buying a pickup then actually use the bed – Understand that I’m not knocking people with trucks as trucks are completely necessary for a lot of jobs. Jobs some people might call Man jobs because they involve heavy lifting and the possibilty of cutting parts of your body off by mistake. The problem here lies in people buying a truck and then never actually using the bed to haul a single thing. For extra points you should get your useless bed Rhino Lined to protect it from all the things you aren’t putting in there. You’re basically paying a lot more in gas so that you can tell people you have a truck. You can’t even safely transport as many people with your truck as you could with a car. You are not a man because you bought a truck you don’t use. You are an idiot.

What she finds so captivating about me.

Don’t “take advantage” – I’ve worked in many places where girls were scarce and the guys got to talking. One of the things that comes up a fair bit is the notion of going out to a place where girls are getting very drunk to “take advantage”. I have to put it in quotation marks because it makes me a little bit sick to type it usually, as though it were something I was saying without making quotation marks with my fingers. A lot of men seem to determine their self-worth based on how many women they can sleep with. This is obviously quite sad but we’re not going to change the world, are we? If you’re going to define yourself that way, though, and then admit to going out and looking for girls who are too drunk to properly reject you then what are you really saying about yourself? If you have to “take advantage” to have sex then maybe you should stay home a couple of weekends and groom and bathe. Possibly you could find interesting things to talk about and you can also wash your socks and put them on correct side out. If you’re going to define your worth based on who is willing to sleep with you, wouldn’t it make you feel better if the person actually wanted to sleep with you without getting loaded first? How can you even wake up in the morning and look in the mirror? Do you have to get drunk first and then take advantage of yourself? If you heard someone talking about taking advantage of your mom or sister you’d want to punch their face in. What makes you so special?

Get back in my garden.

Get rid of that disgrace on your face – I don’t mind beards when they’re trim and nice looking, but when your beard starts to look like something growing underneath your refridgerator it’s time to get out the clippers. Doesn’t that itch? Do you want to make out with a dirty wig with wax lips in it? Why do you think someone else does? Unless your name is Gandalf or something of that nature you’re not doing yourself any favours carving designs into your beard. Do you ever see women who only shave parts of their legs and leave designs twirling around the rest? If you did see that would it appeal to you? No. If you have to have a beard keep it neat and even and without strange design. Your face will thank you.

guess where not to put your hands

Get the fuck off of her hair – I’ve heard guys laugh about or joke around about being on a girl’s hair and how cute or funny or whatever they think that is. It’s not funny and it’s not cute and one night when you’re asleep she’s going to stick a needle in your ear and you deserve it. The jury will let her get away with it as long as any of them has, or ever had, long hair. If you really think it’s funny then get one of your friends to duct tape your head to the ground and leave you there for an hour. Within seconds you’ll want to destroy everyone in a two-thousand mile radius, and you won’t be wrong for feeling that way. When someone’s on your hair you can’t move your head at all and it hurts. Watch where you’re putting your hands and remember that just because you don’t know how annoying it is doesn’t mean it’s not justifiable homicide when she burns your house down with you in it. If you put your hand down for support and you feel hair then move it right away. Do not pass GO, do not collect two hundred dollars. You’ll find you have to “take advantage” a lot less.