Tragic Mistakes #6: The Movie Out Here

Apparently in Western Canada "movie" means a really long commercial

Apparently in Western Canada “movie” means a really long commercial

Have you seen enough of those movies where a bunch of loser friends come together to save something you genuinely don’t care about? Then how about watching a commercial that roughly follows the idea, but on a lower, sadder level? We have to raise fifteen thousand dollars to save a snowboard waxing business, fellahs. The only way to do it is to sell Kokanee, literally the worst beer in the history of beer. In fact, the commercials I’ve seen for this movie had me convinced it wasn’t a real movie and that it was just a Kokanee commercial I didn’t understand. After looking around I have to admit that they made a “movie” about it. If you need fifteen thousand dollars and your plan is to sell Kokanee to save your job then maybe you should just start circulating some resumes now.

You might think this is a review of the movie and that I actually made the mistake of paying Kokanee to watch a very bad commercial. I must admit to you that I live in the part of Canada that was apparently deemed “too intelligent for us to even bother trying” by Kokanee. That’s right, this movie is only available in western Canada, the same people who brought us Stephen Harper and more than a casual interest in one’s sister. My apologies to BC, I don’t know what you did to get targetted with the rest of them, other than being the homefront for that terrible beer. At least if BC sees it they can validly explain that the vast majority of them were on drugs that are far better than any you will ever get to try in your life. Maybe drugs that good make a travesty like this enjoyable.

On the plus side for those of us in central to eastern Canada, we will not be the target of the harsh criticism that will be rallied against any people who thought this would be a good idea. In fact, we appear to be too intelligent to be suckered in from the very start. I really shouldn’t be saying bad things about Kokanee when they’re obviously complimenting me and my neighbours, but honestly, have you tried that beer? It tastes like Budweiser that’s been filtered through someone’s kidneys. Who am I to judge, though?

So they’re going to have a party to make the fifteen thousand dollars to save the business. The problem, of course, is if the business isn’t generating enough money to stay afloat, what the hell is the point of saving it? Won’t it just sink back into debt again and require another party? The idea that you can save things by partying is, of course, a beer commercial ideal. Fifteen thousand dollars? I hate to knock my own country, but how damned Canadian can you get? Couldn’t it at least be a number that most of us don’t make in less than a year? When your movie premise is solvable by one of your characters working at McDonalds for four months it really sucks a lot of the steam out of the story. So what brings that steamy quality back?

Glacier Girls. I think that’s what they’re called. They’re the Kokanee tramps from the commercials that apparently also don’t air in eastern Canada. I only found out about them from a friend who lived in Alberta and moved back here for some reason. I won’t get into what that reason could be. Anyway, it wouldn’t be a beer commercial without scantily clad women with no brains or self-respect. From what I can determine from looking online, the Glacier Girls are the main reason to see this movie, as though the internet isn’t already rubbing tramps with no self-respect in your face as soon as you connect. They do have a pillow fight, which is one of those things that’s supposed to be exciting for men that I’ve never understood. Girl pillow fights in movies are always lame and you can always tell it’s fake because they’re smiling and having a good time. In a real pillow fight you fold the pillow in half inside the pillowcase and you hit people really hard until someone bonks their head on a wall or a furnace or something. There’s no giggling or smiling. It’s war. It’s not over until someone’s younger brother or sister is in tears and their parents are glaring at you like you tried to stab the kid in the liver.

Will there be at least one loser character who gets to have sex by the end of the movie thanks to alcoholism? You bet there will. Will someone fall down, probably on the ice as it’s quite icy in western Canada? More than once, you can be certain. Will the saddest example of a Canadian music artist rear his ugly head to make enough money to pay for a ticket to a country where people don’t remember him? Yes, Snow is in the movie. Snow. You know, Informer? I lickey boom boom down? Rough me up and I can’t do a thing, pick up my line when my telephone ring? That guy. Will the plot.. wait, the what? The pl..ot? Sorry, I was thinking of a movie that isn’t a commercial there for a second. My brain needed a break.

I know you’re thinking that I’m bitter that my half of Canada doesn’t get to watch The Movie Out Here, but you only think that because you haven’t seen the commercial for it. I do appreciate the irony of a commercial for a really long commercial. Kudos to you on that one, Kokanee. Will anyone who doesn’t drink kokanee already go to see this movie? I’m guessing not. So what’s the purpose? Apparently when BC’s mountain beer (I’d trademark symbol that but I think they actually had to change it when it was discovered they were not using BC mountain water in their beer) isn’t doing so well and they need fifteen thousand dollars to stay afloat they invest a couple of hundred bucks in a movie and sell it to Western Canada.

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