Doctor Google, MD

"Tell me where it hurts."

“Tell me where it hurts.”

Sometimes when you don’t feel right you think about going to the doctor, then you think a little bit more and consider that maybe you need an opinion now instead of waiting a day or two. House calls are a thing of the past for most doctors, though, and even if they weren’t, you can imagine they’d cost a pretty penny. Especially at this hour, am I right? Well luckily there’s a medical professional who’s always at your fingertips, ready to tell you exactly what’s wrong with you and how to make yourself feel better effective immediately. Doctor Google is running a clinic twenty-four, seven, just for you. It doesn’t matter how silly your question may seem, you’ll be able to accurately diagnose yourself in a matter of minutes. Let’s look at some examples!

1249821_large I’m experiencing a pain in a part of my body that is probably just a muscle that I strained somehow but now I’m nervous because I’m constantly bombarded by media stories about things that can and ultimately will kill me, most likely for sport. I’d look good on someone’s wall, I can’t deny it, but I digress. What’s wrong with me, Doctor Google?

Doctor Google: If you’re experiencing an unknown pain in your (x) region it’s because you’re going to die. Soon. It’s not going to be pretty. You shouldn’t have even looked at the related images I showed you, but you did and  that’s on you, really. Get your things in order, if you even have the time.

I was walking a lot and my ankle kind of hurts when I put too much weight on it, what does it mean?

I've got some bad news for you, Achilles.

Doctor Google: Your immune system is shutting down with absolute certainty. It’s going to be even less pretty than that last sorry case I had in here. Another ankle is going to grow out of your forehead. That one isn’t the problem. It’s the one that’s going to grow inside your forehead and will ultimately stab you in the brain. That’s if you’re lucky. Most of the people with your condition hope that that’s the way it ends for them. Don’t let anyone breathe the same air you do or make eye contact with you. Pregnant women shouldn’t even be on the same planet as you.

I recently ate a number of nuts and bolts and now my stomach hurts. How could this have happened to me? To me, of all people?

open-uri20131229-9139-15v88k4Doctor Google: You got a vaccine when you were younger and now it’s making a black hole in your stomach. A black hole that will grow inside you until it ultimately swallows you whole. As well as causing explosion of the penis and Justin Bieber, vaccines are responsible for everything bad that has ever happened or will happen. You should sue your parents before you die, which, sadly, is going to be quite soon.

 

 

I have a small bump on my arm, I’m mildly concerned about what it could be. It doesn’t hurt or anything. It’s just mildly annoying.

img-3100012-1-evil_spiderDoctor Google: There’s a one thousand percent chance there are spider eggs in your arm that will one day sprout into thousands of flesh eating spiders that will eat you from the inside out. That’s what you get for eating bananas from countries where spiders do that. The cure is to light your body on fire until you are no more. It’s not so much a cure for you as it is a cure for anyone else who could catch armrachnids. The fate of the planet is likely in question now. We’re all going to die. Soon. Very soon.

So, as you can see, no matter what your question is, Doctor Google is ready and willing to diagnose your illness and tell you how soon you’re going to die. Sure, you could go to a “real” doctor who “Went To Medical School” instead of “Filled In An Email Address To Post On A Forum”, but what matters more to you? It’s all about convenience. Put your mind at ease right now. There’s always room in the office for another. Impress your real doctor with the facts you picked up from Doctor Google. They might just ask if you have a medical degree yourself, what with all your doom and gloom savvy.

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