Advice #5: How To Meet People Online

If you’re like me (You aren’t, but sometimes when you wake up and you’re still a little bit sleepy you imagine you are, and that’s okay) you’ve discovered that recently there are less and less places to meet someone special with which to build a future. People are starting to look to online sources, but really, which ones can be trusted and which are just shams with a bunch of people making fake accounts, such as that ashley madison website? When people look for a mate online, where are they looking? After spending many weeks online I believe I have the answer that everyone is looking for. They’re all looking for people who want to stream a popular television show, and apparently they’re getting unreasonably horny and pissed off, presumably because people ignore them to watch said popular television program.

This is totally legit, right? I should just click here and message her back?

This is totally legit, right? I should just click here and message her back?

Why just the other day HornyLena was somehow able to discern my amazing good looks and charm by.. I’m unsure? Hacking my computer and looking at my studly pics? Maybe she’s an avid reader of my blog and also an elite hacker who can somehow message me through my web browser when I’ve never installed a web browser chat program? It’s hard to say, really, but no, honestly this is how easy it is to meet people online. I went to watch an episode of Farscape and Lena is throwing herself all over me. You know how crazy the ladies are about Farscape.

If she.. she gets to know your name.. then she.. can trace your private IP baby.

If she.. she gets to know your name.. then she.. can trace your private IP baby.

In fact, most of the world’s greatest hackers are horny women who are just dying to do all kinds of obscene things with you. All you have to do is reply. Amanda has harnessed the power of Facebook to somehow message people outside of Facebook when they’re not even signed in or even members. It’s this type of InYourFacebook behaviour that must be keeping all of the sane men away, but that’s just more crazy for you, isn’t it? You really have to respect a woman who doesn’t even bother showing her face in her supposed Facebook picture. Doesn’t that make it difficult to be friends with any of your relatives, though? Amanda, you really have to consider a change in lifestyle. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch Farscape.

Cupid does all that shit online now. Get with the times.

Cupid does all that shit online now. Get with the times.

Now hold the wire, guys. I’m going to have to call bullshit on this one. I know for a fact that I only have three friends and none of them are female. What sort of algorithm did you use to determine someone has a crush on me in the first place, and what kind of bizarre logic route suggested the time and place to let me know about it would be on a random site from which I was trying to download? This is obviously the work of multiple supercomputers crunching insane numbers all to help people meet. What do they ask in return? Only that you give your friend and potential partner the love and respect they deserve. If you have female friends then this one may have actually been for you. I can understand how they might actually hit the wrong person from time to time. It’s a pretty complex organization they’re running.

No thanks, Skeletor, I'm more of an Orko guy.

No thanks, Skeletor, I’m more of an Orko guy.

The thing you have to be aware of when you’re looking for a mate online is the danger of running into the living dead: skeletons who will copulate with you and then consume your flesh with much gnashing of teeth. Is this supposed to be attractive in some way? That’s either her ribcage or someone sliding their hand under her skin from behind her, I’m not sure which. I’m a big fan of the caution symbol at the top of this one. It really makes me smile. They struggled for a long time with the idea of unleashing zombies unto the masses but ultimately decided

This would get many more clicks. Are you paying attention?

This would get many more clicks. Are you paying attention?

that, with proper warning, people would make the right decision. Still, I have to say I would be much more interested in clicking on the button to the right instead of the one above. Unless you’re a snake and it’s been weeks since you’ve consumed a wildebeest you should probably not look that way.  How does someone like this even type without breaking their fingers? Are your parents deceased or does your dad sometimes go to download some drivers and see this proud display of genetics? I want to vomit, really. Where’s the button for that?

Are you sure it's just my wife? I think I hate it too.Another awesome trend of late is sites that Your Wife or Your Girlfriend will hate. Because when you’re already dating someone you can sleep with, it’s good to have a backup where you can “send a message and ask to fuck”. I’m pretty sure that’s one of the necessary rights to life, isn’t it? There was also a string of ads for MMO games, similar to World of Warcraft, that said, “Say goodbye to your girlfriend” and displayed cartoon women looking slutty and sometimes holding weapons. No Girls Allowed! these games claimed, as though that were somehow appealing. Nothing like leaving your partner so you can play an online game with hundreds or thousands of other horny men looking at semi-nude fake women and doing quests together. Where can I sign up? Sadly, I didn’t save any of the ads for those games and I can’t locate them now. If you have one saved or know where I can find one then please let me know. No bullshit is the greatest, though. How do you meet someone if no one signs up?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

So if you still can’t meet a woman online then you might have to turn to Playboy for.. I don’t even know what. What is that? My favourite is the last panel, the one that looks like someone wearing a shirt that was recently barfed on and rubbing it on their stomach. Oh hell yeah. Wearing a dress in a dimly lit shower and not removing your makeup first? She’s kissing that window and it makes me feel like I’m in prison! God, it’s like they hit all of everyone’s fetishes at once. Don’t wait, fellas, Start Your Free Weak now!

You’ll notice that if you’re a female most of these methods are not directed towards you. You can’t wait for guys to message you online, you have to go on the offensive. If you can’t create interactive popup windows on a man’s computer then what honestly makes you think you’re worthy of said man? Of course, the reason these are all directed towards men is because only men (and lesbians, I suppose, but still, mostly men) are dumb enough to click on them. Are you proud of this, gentlemen? Is this what we’ve been reduced to? So stupid that even small children can spot the scam before we do?  For what it’s worth, your wife probably won’t hate this blog, but it’s still worth the click.

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