Disgrace-Face #6: Woody Allen

I make “funny” movies about how men and women don’t get along well. I skirt the fact that my relationship problems stem from my pedophilia.

When it comes to disgusting piles of filth that walk as a man it’s really difficult to compare to Woody Allen. I would like to go on record as saying I hated his very existence before it came out that he was a perverted freak with a thing for girls who don’t know what puberty is yet. His movies have never done it for me. They’re not funny. They’re just a bunch of people standing around talking to each other like Woody Allen. That’s the exact opposite of funny. That’s what I imagine hell is like.

Let’s all go back in time to Woody’s first wife, Harlene Rosen, for a second here, because I think this is the best place to start. She was sexually assaulted outside of her apartment and Allen, that class act, made a joke about it on television and then went as far to repeat the joke. When you’re a sexual predator I have to imagine sexual assault jokes are the funniest jokes you can tell. His wife, whom he married when she was sixteen, made the mistake of getting older and so their relationship went south in a hurry. In all honesty, she was a little bit too old for Woody’s tastes as it was. Next!

I like jazz music, but I also like My Little Pony if that’s what you’re currently enjoying, you sexy young thing.

Scuzzbag moved on to Diane Keaton for a little while but had to cut that off in order to date a seventeen year old student (he was pushing forty at the time), one Stacey Nelkin, but for some reason he doesn’t publically admit to this one. Apparently he’s afraid it’ll make him look like a pedophile or something. I don’t know how that could be possible, though, because he’s a comedian and apparently diddling kids is okay if you tell jokes for a living. What could be next for the man who preys on little girls? He’d seemingly done it all.

Well, all but having a relationship with Mia Farrow’s adoptive daughter, Soon-Yi. It was the relationship with Soon-Yi (nineteen to his fifty-six) that broke things up between him and Mia, but let’s be honest, it’s the fact that she was a grown woman that drove him away. If they had sex it might have been normal and not something that you think about when you’re in the bathroom regurgitating your food into the toilet to avoid weight gain. Maybe it’s just me. You have to wonder if there really was any interest in Mia at all or if Woody just caught sight of the child safety seat she had in the back of her car. It’s okay, though, guys. It’s not disgusting because he never adopted her and he was never married to Mia. Wait, what? How the fuck does that work?

Don’t sweat the whole Soon-Yi thing too much, though. So what if Mia found nude photos of her adopted daughter in his possession? I mean, doesn’t that really pale in comparison to Dylan Farrow, who was also an adopted child of Mia Farrow, but happened to be seven years old at the time instead of in her teens? Dylan has recently come forward to tell her story about what happened. I guess the question on my mind is, “How low can you go, Woody?” I’m almost afraid of the answer to that question.

God only knows what’s on the film he’s looking at.

When asked about why he’s a freak of nature that any father should have the right to shoot on sight for walking within a hundred feet of his daughter, Woody replied, “The heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to those things. You meet someone and you fall in love, and that’s that.” I think that right there is wherein the problem lies. There is logic involved in it, Woody, you pile of feces. The logic goes a little something like this: “Has this girl even reached puberty yet? Am I old enough for be her grandfather? Will dating and/or touching and taking nude photographs of this girl make me look like a pederast?” Based on the answers to these, and many other questions you should be asking yourself, logic will dictate exactly what you should do. Hint: falling for the daughters of the woman you’re dating is not the correct answer.

Does Woody Allen deserve a Golden Globe? Yes, he deserves several of them, really. I would say at least eight of them, dropped in a pillowcase and given to the people he’s abused throughout his miserable life, so they can beat him into a bloody mess with them. He deserves at least two Golden Globes shoved up his ass as well. Preferably sideways. Michael Jackson made the mistake of inviting little boys over to his place instead of little girls and trying to make serious music instead of telling jokes, obviously.

Being molested is bad enough, but doesn’t it make it even worse when the guy doing it looks like a freak? I mean, I already feel traumatized after just looking at pictures of him or hearing him talk. Jesus wept, if he actually touched me I think I’d go insane. Congratulations on winning another award, Woody, you sack of shit. Anyone reading this is invited to my Woody Allen Is Dead party, which I will be holding from the instant I hear the news until at least two weeks later. Would you consider getting buried in Canada? I would very much love to piss on your grave.