I took the “Which Ice Cream Flavour Are You” test and I got “Apple Cobbler Crunch”. You won’t believe what happens next!

That's me. I have proof.

That’s me. I have proof.

I recently took a survey disguised as a test to see which Star Wars character I am. I got Chewbacca the first four times, but luckily you can take the survey as many times as you want until you get the correct character you wanted. After about seven attempts I got Han Solo and shared it on Facebook so everyone would know that I’m Han Solo when I answer online survey questions. The Princess Leia lineup outside my door fattens every day. Sure, I could have just explained that I like Han and I look up to him, but that doesn’t have a faceless, baseless survey behind it so no one would believe me. Thank you so much, online Which Star Wars Character Are You quiz. As we all know, any character, no matter how deep, can be summed up in twelve questions or less, such as “How messy is your room?” Han Solo is a bit of a slob, so if you don’t clean your room you can look forward to a future of smuggling illegal goods and marrying princesses. You heard it here first.

Please! Just tell me what happens next! The suspense is killing me.

Please! Just tell me what happens next! The suspense is killing me.

A man sat down to make a peanut butter sandwich. You won’t believe what happens next! He ate it and it wasn’t bad. It wasn’t the best sandwich he’d ever eaten (ahhhh, BLT of August ’96, you will never be forgotten) but it was still pretty damn good. There really wasn’t anything exciting about this story at all, but if we laid it out as is for people to share just about no one would. You like suspense, don’t you? Doesn’t everyone want to know what happens next? It’s like a great crime thriller, only without anything interesting and way more product placement. Unless “What happened next” is everyone who writes those things burnt to death very slowly, I don’t really care what happens next. The one thing I certainly won’t believe “happens next” is that I click on the link to find out.

Please stay the fuck away from my television.

Please stay the fuck away from my television.

I just took the “How Often Are Tyler Perry’s Jokes Not Funny Test” and got 100%, can you beat me? I don’t mean can you beat my score, I mean can you beat me with your fists? Preferably to death. You should feel like you’re not as smart as I am if you don’t take the test and score at least as high as I did. Don’t worry, you can take the test as many times as you want. Helpful hint: He’s never funny, not even by mistake. I’m fairly certain you can “beat” anyone’s score on any of these tests by simply not doing them at all. Doesn’t anyone have faith in their own abilities anymore? Apparently not, unless they can demonstrate them online in a test that can be done repeatedly until a perfect score is attained. This doesn’t make you smart so much as “a person with too much time on their hands”. If you fool the people you share it with then I suppose you can say you’re kind of clever, but that’s really only in comparison to your dull friends. It’s not saying a lot.

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I like how the person who made this was stupid enough to make the last comment into a question when it obviously isn’t.

Only 55 out of 100 people can read this paragraph of English words with the letters re-arranged in a different order. Are you one of them? Let’s hold the wire right here. I’m pretty sure anyone who can’t speak English can’t read it at all, are we really pretending that more than half the population can read English, especially when it’s jumbled up? What percentage of the world even knows how to read at all, let alone read English? With these things taken into account I would have to say that apparently anyone who can speak English can obviously read that paragraph and apparently a bunch of people who don’t speak English can read it. Is it really very impressive that you’re one of those people? Only one in five people can answer these simple math questions with a bunch of banner ads on the side of them. It’s really just about everyone who takes the test who can answer them, but it wouldn’t make you feel super smart for getting tricked into visiting our ad page if we told you it was easy. If we notice people having a hard time with it we’ll cheat it so that even the wrong answers get marked as “correct” just so you’ll share it with all of your friends so they know how awesome you are at doing simple math problems. If they’re dumb enough to be your friend then they’re likely dumb enough to fall for the same thing.

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Please stop doing this. Stop putting quotes on top of a picture and sharing it. Pretty please? If a quote is solid and meaningful then it should stand out on its own without the need for a possibly somewhat relevant picture behind it. Do you only read philosophy books with pictures behind all the words? In fact, do you read any books like that? I don’t. Instead of taking up a charming “quote space” of a person’s feed, your pretentious quote on top of a picture takes up half the page. Bonus points for when you post five or six of them in a row. All of your friends are impressed with this kind of behaviour faster than you can say “unfollow”.

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