Warning! #1: The Mountain Is Within Visible Range, Mr Bieber

I never thought I'd actually prefer his face airbrushed and covered in makeup.

I never thought I’d actually prefer his face airbrushed and covered in makeup.

Over the past five years or so I’ve heard much disdain over Justin Bieber. As Canadians, the people around me feel particularly responsible for the stupid things he’s done in the name of our great country. I’ve heard much gnashing of teeth over how he doesn’t deserve all the things he has (there’s never any clarification on that, but we can all happily assume that the things he has are money, power and women) and how he’s not as talented as everyone thinks he is. I won’t argue with anyone who feels this way, but I do like to point out my angle on all of this. I’m not a fan of the Biebs. I think he does stupid things, but wouldn’t we all, in his position? Sure we would. You’re more than welcome to hate him as his plane soars ever higher. I don’t pay attention to the things Justin does. I just keep my eye on that mountain. What mountain am I referring to? The one that all young people who get famous and rich too early smash into when their time is up. While the rest of the world is hating on someone for having the things they don’t, I’m waiting for that glorious smash.

But your honor! Fester and I provide a loving household for the kids!

But your honor! Fester and I provide a loving household for the kids!

Take Britney Spears, for example. She was insanely popular and adored by girls everywhere. You couldn’t go to the mall without hearing three of her songs in different stores. Stories about her were all over the news. People started to trash talk her. I smiled. It didn’t take very long before she was shaving her head bald and losing poorly in custody battles for her kids. Apparently having lots of money and being a total buffoon with it doesn’t make you look like a good mother, for some reason. Anyone who used to talk about how attractive she was is now forced to remember Dementia, the woman Fester was in love with at the end of the second Addams Family movie. Britney’s plane was already flying lower than the Bieb’s when it met the mountain. I don’t hear her music anymore when I go to the mall. Bonus points for her singing a song about the men she’s been with and calling it Womanizer. I really would have thought all the men who went out with her were doing it because she was a strong, noble woman and not because they were just using her for sex.

This is what really happens when you leave Kevin home by himself.

This is what really happens when you leave Kevin home by himself.

What about everyone’s favourite, Macaulay Culkin? All the girls I went to school with were crazy about him. He was their lifetime crush. Nothing could take that away. Well, nothing short of reality, anyway. Culkin’s plane was actually flying lower than Spears’ plane, which is why he’s still able to find work, though it’s mostly voice acting now and most of the people watching don’t even know who it is they’re hearing. Anyone know what Eddie Furlong is up to now? At least one of the Olsen kids fell victim to drug addiction. Let’s face it, folks, the worst thing you can give young kids without any idea of how the world really works is a gigantic pile of money.

Why does it go this way? Well, the answer is actually quite simple. Being that popular is like a drug where when you’re on it doors are opened for you and everyone loves you. People scream your name wherever you go and fall all over themselves just to talk to you. You’re allowed into places usual people aren’t allowed. This drug is arguably more addictive than cocaine or heroin, and unfortunately for the person who has become popular due to the purchasing power of teenage girls, there is a very limited supply. What do you do when you can’t score anymore of that crazy shit? Well, you are rich and pretty much everywhere you go there are people offering you some of the better known drugs.

For some reason teenage girls don't like when you make them jealous of a hooker. Go figure.

For some reason teenage girls don’t like when you make them jealous of a hooker. Go figure.

So Bieberenstein Bears went to a prostitute, who cares, right? Oh, wait, teenage girls are not really keen on guys who pay women for sex, are they? He got arrested, that makes him sound like a badass at least, right? Oh, he got arrested for spray painting the wrong building? Yes, the wrong building because he had apparently already requested to spray paint a building and was given permission by the local government. He just decided he wanted to spray paint a different building, that troublemaker. Pause in the action for a second here. If you had his money would you be spray painting anything? Getting arrested for egging your neighbour’s house? This just in, Justin: I could get arrested for doing those things. Anyone who can afford eggs could. It doesn’t make you look like a badass, it just makes you look like a twelve year old.

I’ve brought my Bieber/plan/mountain analogy up to a lot of my friends and recently some have been asking me if I think he’s smashed into the mountain already. I have to laugh at these friends as they seemingly don’t understand what we’re headed for. Justin is bigger than any of the previously mentioned plane crashes combined. There will be no question of when his plane is a fiery wreckage. If you have to ask me if I think it’s time then you already have your answer. You will know when it’s time. Sure, one of his crew got busted for drug possession, sure the US government got a petition signed by a hundred thousand people saying they wanted his green card revoked (nice try, guys, he brings in more money than any of you. They’ll revoke your citizenship first, idiots), sure he shows up hours late for every show because he thinks he’s the greatest, but these are only signs that his craft is losing altitude.

You know who else shows up on stage two hours late, Justin? Axl Rose. You know who I mean, right? The guy who used to get all the girls he wanted. The guy who thought he was the greatest gift music was ever given. The man who used to walk around and have doors opened for him, drinks purchased, sex offered, money piled up in his name. Maybe you don’t know what happened there, but I do. He’s on so many drugs now that he literally forgets the lyrics to November Rain. Listen to his voice as he slurs that shit out. The money is all gone. He has to put on sorry concerts, shaming the name of a band that actually once commanded respect, just to pay for the idiotic cowboy hats he wears. I provide the following for anyone who disagrees:

If I had to rate Justin’s position on a scale of one to ten, one being the lofty skies and ten being flaming wreckage on the side of the mountain, I would say he is currently somewhere between four and five. He’s had some problems, but it’s the kind of shit that most people can recover from if they show their human side and act apologetic. There are still many wild moments to come, Readerland, and I hope you enjoy them all as much as I do. He’s losing respect because of his actions, his ticket sales are declining, and that magical drug called fame is starting to dwindle a little. He may still be high as fuck, as we say in the business, but he’s coming down now, and that second side of the hill is a slippery slope. The drugs are already there, even though one of his friends took the heat this time. They won’t be there forever, though, and eventually we’ll all start hearing about the new person to watch. You can get jealous and hate someone for having things you don’t. Personally, I’m more than happy watching from the foothills.

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One Response to Warning! #1: The Mountain Is Within Visible Range, Mr Bieber

  1. When I started reading this, I kept thinking: Will Macaulay Culkin get mentioned? Will he? Not because he was my lifetime crush (he obviously wasn’t) but he seemed to be different from the rest. He seemed like he could have dodged the mountain.

    You always say things that are in my mind even if we’ve never discussed them before.

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