A Node To Greatness #9: Trooper (And The Boys In The Bright White Sports Car)

Step aside assholes, the real kings of Rock are here.

Step aside assholes, the real kings of Rock are here.

Rock and Roll is one of the greatest musical mediums of them all, and with good cause. While many other forms of music try to fit some kind of meaning or message into a song, Rock says, “I have some random things to say really loud, and you should listen!” It’s really difficult to argue with. I will grant that Rap strives to put very little meaning in a song as well, but in Rap’s case they don’t even make it about something random so much as sex, drugs, cars, jewelry and not giving a fuck. Rock’s ability to sing about whatever the fuck it feels like is its greatest power, and something we should all be in awe of. This is not to say that there aren’t very meaningful and well written Rap or Rock songs, as there are a fair number of each. The vast majority, though, falls under this umbrella. Sometimes musicians are able to change the way the world sees something with their music, opening eyes everywhere and making people more tolerant of each other. I don’t care much for musicians such as these. I like the ones who make a catchy song about absolutely fucking nothing.

Have you heard Tattoo by Van Halen? Mousewife to momshell? Explodo-pink? The word “Tattoo” fifteen times in a row, and then a little bit of Sexy Dragon Magic? What the fuck? In my experience in tattoo shops I have never heard anything mentioned in that song. You best believe that needle hurts you. Really. Getting stabbed twenty-thousand times with a tattoo needle hurts? Regardless of how bad the lyrics are, though, I still have this song stuck in my head every time I go in to get inked again since hearing it. I never actually sing it out loud, especially not in the shop where I might get shot if I do, but it’s there. The lead singer likes tattoos. Fuck it, we’re a rock band, that’s as good as a song to us. Let ‘er rip.

No band compares to Trooper, though, when it comes to all time best song with least effort put into lyrics. Scope this out:

This song is the greatest song in the history of not giving a shit about caring what your lyrics are. The concept for the song is as follows: Some guys are walking down the street and they see some guys they don’t like driving in a nice car and comment that someone should contact the authorities because a couple of dick-burgers like Jerry the garbage-man and his illustrious friend, jack-of-all-trades Stan, could never afford a car like that and they’re jealous of them. That’s it. That’s the whole song. They didn’t need to layer in married preachers in the closet who shock their cheating wives with their hidden man-love. There wasn’t a need to get all metaphorical about the deeper meaning of jealousy and scorn. Let’s think up a kick ass beat and lay this badboy out for the world’s listening pleasure. Yes! That’s rock music for you. That’s the real spirit of rock. Not stirring people’s emotions with meaningful lyrics, rather laying down a good beat and saying whatever comes to mind and scans. Trooper wins the game and The Boys In The Bright White Sports Car is all the proof you need.

It literally took longer to take this picture than to write those lyrics.

It literally took longer to take this picture than to write those lyrics.

I actually didn’t think much of this song at all, until my friend, Chris, pointed out to me how good it was. I actually sat and listened to the music for the first time instead of listening to the lyrics and I immediately realized my mistake. I was jealous of the fact that someone could write something with so little effort and make a lot of money by doing it. I mean, sure it’s okay for Ezra Levant, but he’s only entertaining when he’s being laughed at. What I didn’t appreciate was the fact that making music artificially deep was plastic and pointless and that making good music about whatever the artist felt like is truly special. I hold Trooper in a much higher regard than I used to. I’m fairly certain I will never hear a song that I enjoy so much with such little effort put into lyrics. I hope I don’t, anyway.

It should be noted that the police and generally not keen on people reporting things that are “probably” a crime. They like it when you have a little bit more certainty about the fact that an actual crime is being committed. Luckily the guys from Trooper were able to let it go, perhaps knowing that one day they’d all have bright white sports cars of their own based solely on sales of that one song, and they didn’t waste law enforcement’s time with a frivolous chase resulting in no charges being laid. They instead took their jealousy and made it into money, with a nifty beat. I’ve never seen Trooper play live, but by golly, I would. I’d sing along with them. I would fight people who made noise in the middle of that song to the death.

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