Know Your Foe #8: The Conservative Hat-Trick

Crack, Snapple and Pops

Crack, Snapple and Pops

Recently, in my favourite fiction, the news, Doug Ford said the thing I’ve been waiting to hear them say since the moment it came out that the mayor was addicted to crack. You see, Doug had dreams of replacing Tim Hudak as the potential premiere of Ontario. His brother’s addiction problems, of course, are creating a terrible taint on the Conservative party.. or are they? Today, Doug actually said, he doesn’t know why people say his brother’s a Conservative, he’s actually a “Huge, massive social liberal”. I knew it was coming. I was waiting with baited breath. I still was just not prepared. I’m still sitting here in state of shock about such a stupid, self-serving comment such as that one. In order for me to really explain my frustration and delight (I’m a masochist, leave me alone) I have to explain to all you wonderful people of Readerland about the Conservative Hat-Trick. In order to do this, I think it best if I separate each of them into their own little group. I’ll grant that I’ve already written about two of them. It doesn’t matter, though, because these guys don’t stop giving good material. It’s Christmas here in Writerland and I’m opening new presents every day.

Like King Midas, only everything he touches turns to scandal.

Like King Midas, only everything he touches turns to scandal.

We’ll start at the top, with Mr I-Don’t-Know-Anything-That-My-Party-Is-Doing Harper. Harper’s clan has been plagued with scandals in recent years. It’s nothing to do with Harper himself, though. It would certainly be his fault if he knew what they were doing in the Prime Minister’s Office (PMO from here on out), but his defense for every scandal is that he has no idea what’s going on. If you take his word for it, you have to imagine Harper hiding in his closet, crying every time he hears the phone ring. Sure, the people he appointed to the senate are stealing from the taxpayers, but what do you expect? Him to pay attention to what the people he appoints are doing? He’s too busy not paying attention to what’s going on with the MPs he’s forcing to take the blame for the stupid things he’s done. The Conservative Hat-Trick is actually a statement Harper made at a conservative barbeque event hosted by the Ford family. He claimed Ford was cleaning up that NDP mess in Toronto (to be honest, I had no idea the NDP was selling crack in the city. For shame) and that if they could just get Hudak in they would have really no opposition to chopping the country’s resources up and selling them to the highest bidder. Ah, but that dream just wasn’t built to last, was it?

Ahhhh!! Run for your lives, kids! It's Bizarro McGuinty!

Ahhhh!! Run for your lives, kids! It’s Bizarro McGuinty!

Speaking of Hudak, the main reason I’ve never written about him in the past is.. well.. who the fuck is he? I don’t know. Neither does anyone else. The only change to the province I’ve heard of him suggesting was bringing back dollar beers. His political stance has always been, “I feel exactly the opposite of Dalton McGuinty”. In all honesty, I don’t even remember his name most of the time. I always call him Bizarro McGuinty because that’s really all there is to him. He’s political tofu. He just kind of hangs around with people and takes on whatever flavours those people happen to bring. He was supposed to be replaced by Doug Ford before the next election, but recent allegations of Doug selling hashish from his car for a number of years paired with the fact that his brother is an alcoholic and a crackhead have derailed that train before it could really get going. I guess we can call him Bizarro Wynne now, but it just doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it? The one thing I can say is that he has failed multiple times to knock Dalton from his perch. Dalton, who is hated even among liberals. Dalton, whose own mother wouldn’t vote for him if the only alternative wasn’t Hudak. Here’s some advice, Tim, free of charge: Tell us what you want to do. No one wants to vote for the quiet guy who never says anything. Those kinds of people are the ones who turn into real monsters when they get into power. They’re the kind of people who push the wed button.

If wishes were fishes, that pencil would be a crack pipe.

If wishes were fishes, that pencil would be a crack pipe.

Sounding like quite the League Of Extraordinary Wasps, isn’t it? Well no such league is complete with our mayor Ford. You know who he is. I don’t even have to tell you anymore. No, he doesn’t smoke crack. Oh, there’s a video? Okay, yes, he smokes crack, but only when he’s so drunk he can’t remember it. He did as he promised and didn’t get drunk in public again. Oh, that time on the Danforth? Well, he technically said he wouldn’t get drunk at the Air Canada Center again. You can’t catch him in a lie. The man has single-handedly saved the city billions of dollars that nobody can locate, but it has to be true because the surplus the city had when he got on board is now completely blown and they’re now in a deficit. I don’t even have to link his youtube performances here because they’re all over the television now. Nothing in the history of Canada has put Toronto on the map the way mayor Ford has. The one thing I’d like to point out, though, was that his brother was on television today telling people that Rob Ford is not a conservative. Rob is actually a liberal, in case you didn’t know it. It was actually news to me, what with the fact that the Ford family barbecue is host to all of the big conservatives in the country. There’s also the confusing statement made by Stephen Harper about Rob being part of the big C hat-trick. Even more confusing was the fiscal responsibility platform that Rob ran on.

This vegetarian dinner plate ain't big enough for the both of us, and you're looking like an overcooked steak.

This vegetarian dinner plate ain’t big enough for the both of us, and you’re looking like an overcooked steak.

Of course, it makes a little more sense when you consider that the only real smear the conservatives have regarding Justin Trudeau is the fact that he’s for legalizing pot. It’s hard to pay women to approach Justin while he’s touring the country to tell him the horrors of their child smoking pot when one of the guys you claimed was part of your Hat-Trick is a crack addict seen on television obviously high off of his face talking about killing someone. Harper’s main reason for not wanting to change the pot laws, according to him, was concern that his children would pick up the habit. Apparently he’s not so concerned about his kids smoking crack, because he’s brought them to the Ford Family Liberal Barbecue more than once. Was anyone getting shit-faced at any of those parties, Mr. Harper? Don’t you worry your kids will grow up to be alcoholics? Operation Make Ford A Liberal is underway now, and personally, I can’t wait to see how desperate they get to put separation between those two. Harper, of course, hasn’t commented much of anything lately. He did make a lame remark about not supporting drugs, and especially when used by elected officials. The truth of the matter is that Harper, Hudak and Ford really are a hat-trick, it just so happens to have been the other team scoring those goals.

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