Know Your Foe #7: The God Damned Succubus.

You'll note that they often appear to be better looking than this. This is what they usually only look like on the inside.

You’ll note that they often appear to be better looking than this. This is what they usually only look like on the inside.

You used to have a really good friend you loved to spend time with. You knew that yours was the type of friendship that could never be destroyed because the two of you were both understanding enough to not let stupid, petty fights get the better of you. Everything was looking cherry, and then they started dating a Succubus (or, possibly an Incubus, if your friend is a female. We’re equal opportunity employers here at Snaughty Thoughts), a person who not only pulls your friend in and ruins their life, but also tries to pull you and other innocent friend bystanders into the whirling maelstrom of attention mongering. Suddenly you hate your friend, you hate what they’ve become, but you still hold out hope. “That’s not the friend I had”, you think to yourself, “I’m certain s/he’ll come to their senses when I point out what a nightmare the person they’re dating is!” Only you’re wrong. The succubus doesn’t attract a victim based on appeal or usefulness. No. The succubus and her male counterpart cast a charm spell on your friend, something to artificially win their heart over while the parasite sucks their life dry. Use the following indicators to tell if your friend has a succubus/incubus problem:

Not only do they suck your life force dry, they also make lousy warlock pets.

Not only do they suck your life force dry, they also make lousy warlock pets.

Money is usually the first thing that will get sucked dry. Money is a loose representation of a person’s life. You give up eight hours of your day to a company and in exchange the company gives you money for that piece of your life. As such, money is the most delectable of the treats for such a being to latch onto and suck dry. It’s a physical manifestation of that person’s life. Your friend is no longer working to afford doing things with you or even bettering their life. Your friend is now working all day so they can come home and cook dinner for their special winged, horned friend. Bonus points if they start putting in extra hours so they can afford to still buy some things for themselves. This will only show the succubus that she’s not latched on enough, however, and soon the additional money will be going her way too. If anyone tries to say something to them about money they immediately get all high and mighty and act like money is the least important thing in any given relationship.. just keep giving me more. The extra work with nothing in return will certainly sap your buddy’s life force, but that’s just the icing on the urinal cake.

The second indication is how often your friend is allowed to come out and spend time with you. If you think I’m making that one up then you’re obviously not really dealing with a succubus. The time your friend spends with their friends, the enjoyable part of their life, the part they look forward to in their pointless day of working for no money, must be sucked away just as fast. This is especially bad in the case of a live-in succubus, who has basically converted your friend’s house into a dungeon for them from which they can never escape. They do everything they can with their little remaining power and money to try to get things that will entice you into visiting them because they’ll never, ever, be allowed out of the house. When you go by they’ll do their very best to be a pleasant host. Can I get you anything else to eat? A blanket? A little bit of my soul? Just please, stay? Please? I have a bunch of really good movies, we can put one on. Even though your friend is asking you to stay, their succubus is giving you the dirtiest look you’ve ever received. You’ll politely decline, sometimes having to chew your leg off just to escape.

If your friend is of the opposite sex from you then you’re especially fucked. Nothing on earth more jealous than a dirty succubus. You’ll note that in artwork they’re never actually drawn to be attractive in any way. This is because they never are attractive. They’re mostly ugly, jealous bitches who sit in their room and hate, doing anything they can to ensure their partner spends no time with any real member of the opposite sex. To do so would be to give them a chance to understand what a real human being is, which would obviously be much more enticing than having your life sucked dry by a demon with hooves and hairy legs. The succubus is always jealous, jealous of anything, and will do everything they can to get rid of that terrible jealous feeling. You seriously bought a pack of gum at a shop where a female was working the cash? Are you fucking for real? The succubus believes that all women are tramps and that your friend can easily be scoring sex in the three seconds they were outside picking up the newspaper. If they go for coffee with you you’re obviously having sex with them or you want to. Take this as a compliment, at least, because the hideous thing your friend is dating is acknowledging in this gesture that you are much more attractive than it will ever be, charm spells included, and they don’t want to compete with you on a level playing field. Your time with your friend is now over.

Is that you, Gary? How was the honeymoon?

Is that you, Gary? How was the honeymoon?

Lastly, I’d like to point out that, as I’ve said in the past, being a couple is about working together towards a happy future as a couple. If your friend’s partner actually gives a shit in any way about your friend then they’re likely just a bitch and not a succubus. Walter Scott’s Wretch springs to mind when I think of this distinction. If your friend’s partner is concentrated all in self then you can be certain, especially combined with the above, that your friend has lost their soul and is slowly having their life sucked away. You can hear their cries in the comments they make (under their breath, of course) about why their life isn’t going the way they expected it to. Sure, you can try to talk them into some common sense, but you’re just wasting your time as it will lead to an immediate fight between the two of you with your poor friend being used as the tug-of-war rope. There is no chance to survive, make your time. You are powerless to stop them. Say a prayer and move on. Just do it.

Every once in a while something will happen and the beast will move on before your friend is a pile of over-sucked bones. If this happens you should consider yourself very lucky, as the majority seems to prefer marriage and dark, dark death. You can only hope that this will happen and that everything will be okay. Trying to force it yourself is a fool’s game. It’s best to just let them go and hope that you find them one day, free of the beast. If you’ve ever known a person in these circumstances, however, you’ll know that if they’re gone long enough you still have no hope because they’ve been corrupted into a mindless thing that will walk right into another one at the first possible chance. They’ll also blame you for what happened, never taking responsibility for dating the succubus. They’ll accuse you of abandoning them when, for any thinking human being it’s clear to see, they abandoned you long ago for a demon that walked as a slut. This is why it’s best to just remember the friend you had for who they were and let it go. Your friend is dead to you now.

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