Advice #5: Don’t Be A Hero.

Paper-:Lace already knew the moral of today's story. Billy didn't fucking listen.

Paper Lace already knew the moral of today’s story. Billy didn’t fucking listen.

Hello again, Readerland, how are you? Things have been going pretty well for me lately and I hope you can say the same. I was recently thinking back on the dating I used to do (and more often only try to do, without much success) and I thought it would be best for everyone involved if I outlined some of the relationship pit-traps you can find yourself lodged in. If there is one underlying message from all of the mistakes I’ve made it is simply: Don’t be a hero. Don’t ever be a hero. If you’re about to do something for that special guy or girl and, in your mind, it’s going to make you look like a hero, then you should probably just stop whatever it is and go home. This ain’t the movies, asshole. Being a hero is only going to get you burned and bleeding and wondering what the hell happened. It will make you question the beauty of the princess located behind the current dragon to slay. Do you think everyone liked Batman? He was a hero and even the town he protected turned on him and wanted him dead. Not just once, either. This is a recurring theme. We like our heroes in our movies and only in our movies, thank you, friends.

I’m getting ahead of myself here, though. Have you ever had feelings for someone who had a lot of problems but you thought those problems were nothing and that you, like a hero, could look past them and everything would be okay? Were you ever right? Of course not! It doesn’t matter how many shifts you skip to make sure they’re okay when they tell you they’re in trouble or how many considerate things you get them to try to pull them out of the pit of despair they currently reside in. They were treated poorly by someone in the past and they’ve learned that the only way to fix a situation like that is by doing it to someone else. Even if it seems as though things are going well for a while, sometimes, they are not. A hero isn’t a hero who has a happy life. A hero is someone who risks life and limb almost constantly. If they don’t die by the end of the story they most certainly end up mangled into a shade of the person they were. Paper Lace told Billy not to be a hero but Billy knew better. He had an all important message to deliver (you’ll note it wasn’t that important as he died doing it but we still won the war) and he was going to be the man who proved all of that letter’s friends wrong.

This is your plane. This mountain represents the person you are trying to save. You know the rest.

This is your plane. This mountain represents the person you are trying to save. You know the rest.

That’s right, because when you try to be a hero a bunch of the person’s friends will approach you and warn you of the horrible corpses they’ve seen strewn in that person’s path. Guys who have tried to treat her nicely and got burned, girls who tried to help him with his problems but he just hits them and they stick around because they think that you can fix a man like that without a firearm. When you ask friends or family how they met do they ever say, “Well, your mom was having trouble with a guy who was abusing her and she kept going back to him until I stepped in and saved her. We’ve been happily married since then.” or perhaps, “Well, he had a huge drug problem and he was having sex with strange men to get some of those drugs, but I stuck with him and now he’s Steve Forbes.” I have yet to meet a couple where one of them was the hero and the other was the rescued. Not any kind of couple that lasts more than a few months, anyway. Why is that? It’s because nobody wants a hero. Nobody! If you’re trying to pick up Bonnie Tyler then maybe you’ve got a shot, but I’ve never even heard of her being saved by anyone.

The important thing to remember is that a relationship is supposed to be about supporting each other and being there to see each other through in the things each of you wants to do. When one of you is constantly slaying dragons for the other and suffering the burns that go along with it, that’s not a healthy relationship. The person who needs you to rescue them is impossible to save. They will go on making the same bad life choices they always have no matter what you do. The wisest choice is to move on to someone who wants to be your hero as much as you are theirs. That’s the redeeming, rewarding love that we’re all looking for. Even if you manage to best whatever problem is currently bothering them they will feel guilty about what you did for them and somehow make it into your fault that they’re not feeling well. I’ve watched far too many friends get used until they’re dried up and then tossed aside like garbage. Sit back and wait for someone who wants to go with you and watch heroes fight the dragons. As soon as you give relationships without heroes a try you’ll understand that that’s really the only way to go about it. Better to be alone than to be in someone else’s twisted clutches, my friends.

Today's Public Service Announcement is brought to you in part by the Reacharound! Don't leave home without it.

Today’s Public Service Announcement is brought to you in part by the Reacharound! Don’t leave home without it.

This entry was posted in Advice and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s