Tragic Mistakes #10: Two & A Half Out Of Ten

This was what the show was about, don't you understand? This guy. This guy right here.

This was what the show was about, don’t you understand? This guy. This guy right here.

I was never what you would call a galactic fan of Two and a Half Men, but I have watched more than a couple of episodes of it. I watched it for the same reason everyone who watched the show watched it: We were fascinated by Charlie Sheen and the show tried to stay as close to his lifestyle as was possible for daytime television. Charlie Sheen saw scandals that would have destroyed lessor actors and he continued onward in his quest to do whatever the fuck he wanted and get paid for it. We watched the show because Charlie Sheen was living everyone’s dream. To actually observe a man do whatever his brain tells him to with a line of people who are willing to throw money into his fiery core is magnificent. It’s magic happening. If only the whole world could be Charlie Sheen. We can’t, though, because someone has to produce all of those drugs and some people have to be prostitutes who sometimes hide in closets or bathrooms. Do the math. All we can do is gaze in wild eyed wonder at the triumph of the id in complete control of a human being.

Fuck that, though. Someone thought they were going to work with Charlie Sheen and that he was going to be very rational and obedient, much like a rhythm guitar player, when in reality anyone who was making a show about how crazy he is should know that he’s.. batshit crazy and full of himself, much like a lead singer. That attitude is what the fucking show was about. That’s what we were all tuning in to see. Plenty of celebrity planes smash into flaming destruction atop celebrity peaks, but Charlie soars through those peaks with his eyes closed. For all we know he’s the one responsible for their very creation. He does whatever drugs he wants. He says whatever he wants. He drinks and smokes whatever he wants and when he’s in the news because he’s been using the services of a prostitute it’s not because he’s using the services of a prostitute. It’s because he inflicted more damage on a hotel room than most people make in a month and the girl in question thought she was witnessing the rise of an Old God, cue hellfire and brimstone, and she’s pressing charges and seriously considering giving up the business. That doesn’t even put a dent in his image. It’s really just advertising for any movie or show he’s done recently. Oh Charlie.

Chuck Lorre has had enough and terminates Charlie for being Charlie, the very thing that sold that show to anyone in the first place, and then decides to keep the show going. Brilliant decision, really. I mean, the show is otherwise populated with the most disgusting simulations of human beings known to the industry. Everyone in the show was an asshole in an attempt at making Charlie seem like he wasn’t so bad. Sure, he doesn’t respect women or himself, but at least he’s not a complete douchebag like every other character. His brother, Allen, portrayed by some actor whose name I hope I never have to learn because this show will be his entire fifteen minutes, is one of those human beings I want to head butt right through the television. He has no redeeming qualities whatsoever and is only “nice” when it conveniently points out that Charlie isn’t “nice”, but then he goes around and acts like a useless, selfish doorknob who lies about who he is. There was the neighbour who was at least a non-offensive character, whilst still being a devoted stalker, but she parted ways early on. His mother in the show is not but a complete bitch. His nephew, Jake, was not an asshole in his youth but steadily developed into one. Jake’s mother, now living divorced from his dad, is a younger version of Charlie’s mother. In (somewhat) short, the entire cast could get into a terrible bus crash and die, as part of the show, and the audience wouldn’t really care that much. A change of characters would be fresh. We still would have appreciated Charlie around seemingly normal people we could actually like. Keeping the show running without Charlie is the stupidest thing I’ve heard since Al Gore claimed he invented the internet.

"Should I be the stupid guy in the new bank robbery movie or should I be the stupid guy in the romantic comedy adventure of the summer?"

“Should I be the stupid guy in the new bank robbery movie or should I be the stupid guy in the romantic comedy adventure of the summer?”

Which asshole could dwarf all of the well established assholes, though? Which asshole could take over and steer this ship of human excrement into the sunset? Ashton Kutcher? Perfect! He’s a great actor, for starters, being able to portray such breath-taking roles as “Kelso” and “Kelso doing pranks on people”, not to mention “Kelso taking pictures of animals in the woods”. His lifestyle is exactly like Charlie’s, only without the drugs and the prostitutes and the doing whatever the fuck he wants. So why does the show suck a mean dick now? Well, in reality, Ashton Kutcher will never be a Charlie Sheen and he certainly isn’t going to develop the talent to act like he is. What has Ashton really done that’s so controversial? He dumped Demi Moore? Did anyone not see that coming before they even heard the two of them were married? He’s just a bland actor who’s good at playing a stupid guy and his lifestyle is pretty boring. If he’s not playing himself then who the hell is he supposed to be? He doesn’t fill the void. It’s too late to turn the brakes on for the well established assholes and make them look appealing, so instead they focus on some second rate love story between two characters no one really has any reason to care about, with some cutbacks to the dregs festering in their disgusting lifestyles for old time’s sake.

Why stop there, Chuck? Was Carrot Top too busy to sign on? Couldn’t you get Larry the cable guy? It was really cute that Charlie “died” in the show when in reality Charlie’s doing fine and the show is what died at the very mention of the death. If you want to see what it looks like when a television show slowly crashes into a mountain I suggest you watch the New and Improved version of the show. Imagine Home Improvement if Tim Taylor was kicked off the show and replaced by Ben Stein. Imagine Ninja Turtles if they cut out the turtles and added Rainbow Brite. Imagine a Spike Lee film with people of all varieties of race getting along with each other and having a good time and then going home happily. Why are stations even paying money for this shit? Obviously Lorre has some swing with his other projects and without those this show would be in the toilet too, but is that really enough? Are we so depraved of good ideas that a show about Charlie Sheen will plod on miserably without him?

Such an impressive collection of faces that beg to be punched has rarely been compiled. Nice beard, moron.

Such an impressive collection of faces that beg to be punched has rarely been compiled. Nice beard, moron.

Here’s hoping the whole show will die abruptly and everyone will be safe, save for the acting careers of everyone currently involved in it. Do your part and write your local congressperson and demand electric justice for everyone currently involved in production. I don’t necessarily mean the electric chair or anything. Just some heavy voltage through various delicate body parts for seemingly endless amounts of time. It really depends on the level of the offense. Look out, Allen, as you’re the worst. I refuse to look up your real name. If they televised the punishment I’d actually want to watch it. That’s the only way I can imagine the current cast and crew producing that would command my attention span. Even that wouldn’t do it for more than a couple of episodes. At the very least the lesson will be learned for future television generations. When you make a show about a person it’s ridiculous to try to keep it running without that person, no matter how many other successful shows you have under your belt. It’s time to cut your losses and produce something redeeming.

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