I was always proud to be Canadian. I was always very pleased to have been born in one of the greatest countries on earth. When people would trash talk Canada I would guffaw in their general direction. My pride was so strong that their nasty comments would slip right off me just like that guy’s palm when he tripped at McDonald’s and tried to steady himself on the grill. Pride, as we all know, goeth before the plane crashes directly into the mountain. Enter Stephen Harper on the scene. You may not know much about Stevie boy, and he likes it that way. Harper has made a career out of doing terrible things and then not saying a word about it. No news is good news, in the eyes of Harper’s party, which isn’t to say there’s no news. It’s just that none of it is good. I was at a loss to explain the way the man operates, but luckily a friend directed me towards the following video. You might wonder why the man conducting the interview doesn’t interrupt and ask Harper what the hell he’s talking about. This is for a very simple reason: if you want and interview with the Prime Minister’s office you have to supply all of the questions you’re going to ask ahead of time and you’re not allowed to deviate in any way. Failure to comply will result in families disappearing and Celene Dion concerts at record breaking volume. Thus we get interviews such as the following:
So let’s break this down a little bit. Our court systems are clogged up with people who have done nothing but deal and/or smoke pot, forcing people charged with things they’re not guilty of to wait months and years before they can prove, in court, that they are innocent. We’re wasting billions of dollars fighting pot and the battle is going exactly nowhere. The number one question posed by Canadians, and So You Think You Can Dance Harper taps his way into the finals. I suppose a lot of the studies do say different things, though every one I’ve seen from dozens of a different sources all say the majority of Canadians agree that decriminalizing is the best option. How many pedophiles got released early because of time served whilst awaiting trial, packed in behind a bunch of potheads? Stephen Harper doesn’t give a shit about that, my friends. He’s afraid that if pot is legalized and treated the same way alcohol is, which is taxed and distributed to adults, his bratty kids are going to smoke it. I suppose this means that his children are already getting drunk and soliciting prostitutes and driving automobiles. That’s enough reason for me to stop worrying about violent crime. Harper can’t raise his kids properly and they’re obviously law breaking assholes, much like their father. I will agree that when you buy pot you support terrorism, though. See, your Canadian pot was grown in a Canadian’s residence using Canadian electricity, that has taxes charged on it. Since you’re contributing to the Canadian government you’re supporting terrorism not only in Canada but also in parts of the world we attack in the name of democracy. If you legalize pot, of course, there’s no reason why that money could even potentially go to terrorism, so really blaming pot for the problems that arise because you make it illegal and then standing behind your stupid kids instead of addressing something a large portion of the country is curious about is asinine at best. Throw more super prisons at that problem until it goes away. The United States thinks they can lead the word in incarceration? We’ll show them what Canada’s made of. He doesn’t know anyone who’s smoked pot and not lived to regret it? To be honest, if I smoked a joint and then met Stephen Harper I’d regret it too. What a waste of a buzz. If that was a school test and Harper provided that answer to the question he would get a zero out of five, likely with a, “What the hell are you blathering about?” comment. Thanks for taking the time to address your people, Steve.One of the things we don’t need in Canada, according to Harper, is science. Science is stupid and generally gets in the way of ruining Alberta so that a couple of fat old white people can get rich. Science teaches you things like, “Getting rid of the wetlands will lead to flooding, likely ejecting thousands of people from their homes and also releasing deadly poisons into the Mackenzie River Basin which will likely prevent fish from spawning, potentially destroying what is known as the Canadian Serengeti.” Alberta is in bad shape and shit’s only going to get worse, so where’s Stephen Harper? He’s off shaking hands with Michael Palin and tweeting about the Stanley cup finals. Who gives a shit about you, Alberta? You only voted for Harper, you didn’t give him vast amounts of money to twist the law in your favour. At least you don’t have to pay any GST, right? Priority one when the flooding started was to get up on stage and shit talk Russian leader, Vladimir Putin. I believe he was criticizing Putin for not giving a shit about the ecological disaster that’s staring us all in the face. The one Harper helped shove through our political system. Since the people who paid to put Harper into office are the ones who are making a boatload from the oil sands you can bet your bottom dollar he’s going to do as much as he can to not get involved and pretend that everything is okay there. I mean, the people who are running the place say everything’s going great and they’re the only ones who stand to lose by admitting there’s a problem, so they must be telling the truth, right?
Where are you, Joe Clark? What are you allowing to happen in the name of your party? Whenever someone looks as though they might be able to gain popularity in the conservative party and one of their not-so-legal activities is questioned, that strong candidate is forced to step up and defend whatever choice it was, thus ensuring no one will be able to take the party out of Harper’s hands. Think I’m full of shit? Our government is called The Harper Government now. Yes, it’s renamed in his fucking name, but I must be crazy. He’s not on an ego trip. When Harper tries to smear the liberals he does it directly from his office instead of messing around behind the scenes. Your taxes are paying for people to fuck over the competition. I guess they don’t have anything better to do up on parliament hill. He’s the living embodiment of everything that is wrong with the US’s election process. He’s big business and get elected by shit talking the competition. He’s conservative in name alone, driving the deficit through the roof. 13.8 billion dollar surplus when he took over to a 25.9 billion dollar deficit to date. What part of that sounds conservative to you? Don’t worry, though, his millionaire buddies are all raking it in. He doesn’t even care what happens to his party after he leaves, as having destroyed all of his competition leaves no one desirable to the public. One would hope that the real conservatives of this country will come back and attempt to rebuild their party into something that can be respected again, but maybe they’re all too embarrassed to show their faces in public. I know I would be. Can you imagine admitting you actually voted for this asshole?
Let’s talk about the people who Harper has moved into the senate. You know the senate. It’s the thing Harper claimed he was going to abolish when he was on the election trail. Hell, if he runs again you can bet he’ll toot that same horn from Victoria to PEI. When he’s not on the election trail, though, he actually prefers to fill the senate with his own people. People who seemingly always end up getting in trouble for breaking the law and spending money illegally. Here is what Harper had to say before he was Prime Minister:
…[the] same Reform MP/opposition leader Stephen Harper who told then-Liberal prime minister Jean Chretien that “we don’t support any Senate appointments,” called the Senate a “dumping ground for the favoured cronies of the prime minister” and said “Canadians … are ashamed the prime minister continues the disgraceful, undemocratic appointment of undemocratic Liberals to the undemocratic Senate to pass all-too-often undemocratic legislation.”He went on to assign people like Mike Duffy to the senate, further disgracing himself and his party. Further disgracing all of us, as Canadians, as he’s what the world sees when they look at us. Sure, he’s been tied to Nazism and over-the-top religion-for-profit maniacs, but is that any reason to despise him? He lies, cheats and backstabs any way he can to get the things he wants and he’ll throw anyone under the bus if it’ll save his wattle. Even his own senators have begun to stand against him, trying to distance themselves from his jack-assery. When will the rest of the country make the same wise choice? It appears as though his party is falling apart and his lame liberal bashing commercials don’t work so hot when the person he’s bashing is son to one of the more popular Canadian Prime Ministers of days past. I love being Canadian again. Who is Harper’s dad? I’m pretty sure you know him. I forget what his name is exactly, but I think it sounds like Lucifer.