Why?! #9: (Hollywood) Reboots

Play it again, Sam!

Play it again, Sam!

If you ever needed evidence as to whether we are getting smarter or more stupid as a race, all you would have to do is look at all of the “new” movies that are coming out in recent years. I was once a movie buff. I dedicated a great deal of my life to caring about the new releases and the off the wall ideas that seemed to lead to a lot of them. If a movie came out before 1995 then odds are excellent that I saw it at least once. I had a friend, Dave, who worked at a video store (the same Dave of Cindy Crawford/Rolling Stone legend) and we were permitted to take as many movies home after close as we cared to watch so long as we dumped them in the return bin by morning so no customers missed out on any rentals. We watched them all. We watched movies neither of us even remember anymore, until we happen to catch one on television and groan, memories unearthed. I stopped going to see movies unless Dave is in town (he moved away, how dare he?) and even then we go to see the most terrible movie that’s out when we go. The problem was too many movies were starting to seem as though they were the same. We could call endings out way too early and predict everything that would happen in the good movies. Only the bad movies offered any chance of something unexpected.

Apparently someone in Hollywood felt the same way and decided to remove the façade of it being a “new” movie, and just started doing Reboots, which is what they call it when they take a movie that’s already been made and make it again with better special effects and terrible dialogue and story. In fact, just about every reboot seems to miss the feeling of the original material. Just about. The Addams Family actually did seem to capture the characters properly and I quite enjoyed it. It could also be because I fell wildly in love with Christina Ricci while watching the first one. Before you get all high-horsed and think I’m a pervert I’d like to remind you that I’m the same age as she is and there was really nothing wrong with that. I think the movie deserved more credit than just Ricci, though. I think it was the exception that proves the rule. Reboots suck if you’re a fan of the original. They’re only good for appealing to a bunch of snot-nosed assholes who don’t know enough about the source material.

How many Spiderman, Batman and Superman movies do we need? How many times can you reboot something like that before it turns into garbage? I guess I’m old fashioned in the sense that for me you only get one shot at it and then I’m not interested anymore. Every new Batman movie kills the real Batman a little more. Same goes for Spidey for me. Ironman was a breath of fresh air simply because his story hasn’t been redone so many times it’s hard to say what rules apply. Wait until fifty years from now and seventeen reboots. His story will be boring and confusing soon enough. How many Batman movies have there been where the villain finds someone close to Batman and captures them and uses them to lure Batman in, invariably to their own demise? There were so many good comic plots but fuck all that. Let’s give the reboot to someone who obviously didn’t even read the comics. It doesn’t matter. This is just a trilogy that doesn’t represent the real Batman. This is just Batman the way one asshole, who was never a huge fan in the first place, sees him. Don’t worry. We can always reboot in over and over. Nobody wants anything new. The formula works. Art is dying, long live business, no doubt.

Strangely left for dead. Too good to pass up, though. It'll be back.

Strangely left for dead. Too good to pass up, though. It’ll be back.

Evil Dead reboot. Star Trek reboot. Millions of alternate universes where the story ultimately doesn’t matter because who really gives a shit about what happens in an alternate universe to the already imaginary one where we perceive the characters to exist? Tron Reboot. Highlander reboot. Knight Rider reboot. Ninja Turtles reboot. If there’s one thing Hollywood knows it’s that there are zero possible new story ideas so we should all just keep making the same ones with slight variations and moderately better (most of the time) special effects. There’s a movie called Reboot which came out in 2012 which will undoubtedly be rebooted, as well as a remake of that cg animated cartoon I strongly disliked. Someone needs to get rebooted in the fucking head. The Big Stupid just goes around eating that shit up, though. That’s right. That’s what I call the lowest common denominator. You can try to argue with me about calling them that, but if you examine the things that are designed specifically to appeal to them, there is a long history of stupidity and Adam Sandler movies. He’s a prime example as each one of his movies is a reboot of the same character, commonly known as Adam Sandler In Front Of A Camera.

Why stop there, though? There’s Broadway! Let’s reboot those old shows and movies and make them into musicals! Ideas are a thing of the past. I don’t want to throw money at something that might be different and thought provoking. I want to watch something where I’ll actually start to tune it out the first time I see it because I already saw the movie beforehand and I know exactly what’s going to happen. When’s Predator the Musical coming out? How about Schindler’s List the Musical, I’m sure that’ll have them sobbing in the seats. Titanic the musical? The Flintstones the Musical? There are a whole bunch of well established characters out there for us to beat into submission like the dead horses they are, guys. I only feel safe in making an entertainment investment if I already know so much about the subject that I won’t sound like a moron after the movie trying to put all the pieces together. Even still, we’d better pander to the people who have been living in a cave to date and have no idea about who Batman is. Where is Batman the Musical? You know it will happen eventually.

Listen up fresh ideas and listen good: Nobody wants you around here. Even if you try to sneak in with a good idea that isn’t a total rip off (Total Recall reboot. Judge Dredd reboot. etc.), say with something like The Purge, we will make certain that the idea is not even close to interestingly explored and make people wish they’d gone to see the Wayne’s World reboot. If it already hadn’t been set in stone ages ago that Star Wars was the middle trilogy of nine stories there would have been no first or last three. They would be rebooting that as well. Lucas still tried to fuck with it and sell it as new anyway. Because old Puke-ass (it strains my tongue to say his name properly) really needed more money. Yes Wo/Men don’t say yes to everything if you’re not pouring money on them. They start telling you the truth. When you’re Lucas it’s hard to hear the truth. It clashes with so many things you believe about how wonderful you are. It is not acceptable.

Too many idiots don't even know what baccarat is. Get some Hold 'em in there stat! Reboot!!!

Too many idiots don’t even know what baccarat is. Reboot!!!

If you would do your brain and the world a favour it would be in your best interests to stop seeing movies that don’t mean anything and will ultimately be replaced with movies that will be better at not meaning anything with more realistic explosions. Take a chance on something new. I would honestly rather hear a friend go on about how bad a movie is than talk a movie up. People get much more into what they’re saying when a movie was garbage. We all need to see some garbage sometimes to give us a taste for the things that are good. When you keep watching Spiderman over and over you have no palate. Just watch the old ones. The ones where people thought story would be important instead of just CGI. Stop feeding this useless, greedy monster. It’s not doing any of us any favours.

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