When I was younger if a person wanted a job they would compose a resume listing their skills and work experience and they’d take that resume to different workplaces and submit it to the management in the hopes of being considered for a job. This system was a complete failure, often resulting in hardworking and dedicated people getting jobs. The internet has fortunately saved humanity from usefulness once again, though, with the invention of email. When a company didn’t want to even look at your resume before they would still have to take it and pretend they were interested in it for as long as you took to leave the location. Ample time is now saved by directing you to their company website where you can email your resume to a person who, in all likelihood, doesn’t even really exist. Soon employers will be allowed to shoot you for target practice from the roof of their building, but technology hasn’t brought us there quite yet, and so you’ll have to keep plugging away for now in the hopes of one day being shot in the head by a potential boss. Why does applying for jobs online make as much sense as looking for a date in prison, though? Why that’s easy to explain!
First of all, if you’re going to apply somewhere online don’t go thinking that you can just write a nice cover letter and send it with your resume to the person who is doing the hiring. Where the fuck do you come from? You’d better answer this six-hundred question personality test that will make you look like an asshole no matter what you choose. “Of the following four options, pick the one that is most like you: (A) A thief (B) A molester (C) A Thieving Molester (D) Adolf Hitler” We’d also like to know how often you lie, but if you pick any answer but “(C) Never”, we’re not going to hire you even though anyone who selects that answer is obviously a fucking liar. It doesn’t matter how hardworking or right for the job you are, we have a program that will make your parents want to change their last name and move by the time you’re done with it. As a special bonus, a lot of these places where you can only apply online have broken links conveniently located between page 53 and 54 out of 60 so you can spend an hour filling out most of an application you’ll never be able to complete and submit. You brought your resume in with you? We’re sorry, there’s nowhere here to put it. You’ll have to go home and apply online.
Sites like Workoplis and Monster are designed to help you find the perfect job for you, provided you’re already perfect for the job. “Looking for someone with forty years experience as a millwright named Steve Janson who lives at 439 Steppe St and is married to Brenda. Must have G, M, D, T and ³ license and be certified to work with the undead.” There will be seventeen jobs with this exact same description, as well as a couple of jobs that require you to clean up after elderly people who cannot control their bowels or bladder anymore and a bunch of jobs that actually exist in cities over a thousand miles away who, for some reason, put the name of your town in the list (yes, the list of towns where this business supposedly exists when in reality it exists in one of them. Which one is our business) of towns applicable to the that job. Throw in a handful of random vaguely written messages from the newspaper (Fast, fun place to work. Must be able to run from police) and you’ve got yourself a site that leads millions of people exactly nowhere.
While you’re here why don’t you make an account with us? This account is only good to apply for this one job and cannot be re-used in any other way. We have very strict password rules, as well, as we know how many people want to pretend to be you applying for jobs. Your password must be five thousand characters long and contain every letter and number, especially the ones that make you feel more like stealing than the others. This way if another job pops up you’ll have to come back and make another profile instead of using the one you’re currently filling out. Neither job will be yours, but did you know we employ a whole new person now to delete your application as soon as it’s sent? That person wouldn’t have a job if it wasn’t for you, and they thank you kindly. Luckily for them, they applied before we put this new system in place and, get this, they actually got an “interview”. I know, crazy right?
Please tell us why you left your last workplace, but keep in mind there’s a limit of 32 characters on this reply so keep it short. We’re quite interested in your reason, provided it’s so short that it will not make any sense. We would also like to have the phone numbers for every person you’ve ever called your boss, even if they’re dead or the company went out of business fifteen years ago. You don’t have all of that information? It sounds like you’re not a very hard worker. We only hire people around here who are friends with every one of their former bosses, no matter where in the world they live now. We’re sorry, the resume you submitted was not in plain text format so we couldn’t read it. We’re even more sorry, but upon opening your resume it’s obvious that you know very little about how to jazz up a resume. Also, according to my spell check you have likely spelt your own name incorrectly. You should be embarrassed.
Of course, you never hear any of these things back. You just imagine that’s what they’re saying because you never hear anything back. Sure, once in a while you get an email right away saying they appreciate you giving them your personal information so they can sell it to telemarketers and spammers the world around. That’s about all you’ll be hearing from them, though. The people you applied with, I mean. You’ll hear from the spammers/telemarketers a lot more than that. I have applied for more than a thousand jobs online and I’ve never heard back anything from any of them. One time I got a call from a company named Cut-co who specialized in selling knife sets to the families of people who look for jobs online. I didn’t even apply for that job, they actually found me online. They also wouldn’t tell me anything about the job unless I went in for a meeting where we were individually taken into a room and told whether or not we were Cut-co material. I looked the most bored out of all the people there and I answered the most of their stupid business related questions so I was called into the office first and told that I made the cut (ha ha! Get it?) and that they’d really like it if I tried to sell their products to my friends and family. I lied and said I was interested (they wasted most of my fucking afternoon and I actually paid money I didn’t have at the time for the bus both ways) and then I stuck around outside the door and asked each person, as they left, if they were also accepted. Everyone was, of course, but by taking us all aside one at a time and creating the illusion that only some people were good enough, they were making us feel in demand.
Go out and apply in the real world. If a place tells you they only take resumes online then offend the person who explains that to you and spit on as many things as you can on your way out of the establishment. Sell your body on street corners. Sell crack to the mayor of Toronto or offer to get rid of someone for him in exchange for money. Do anything but apply for a job online. If you really must, though, then please take my advice and every fifth or sixth place you visit should get an application from “FUCK YOU, ASSHOLES”, which is a fake name I have made up for the purpose of applying anywhere that asks too many questions with a computer and not nearly enough with a living person. The best part is that you can get more and more creative as you answer more and more questions that have very little to do with who you are as an employee. You won’t get any response from those applications either, but you know the idiot whose job it is to read through all of them will probably read every bit of your submission out of boredom.