People We All Look Up To #7: Kevin Sorbo

You wish you were Kevin Sorbo.

You wish you were Kevin Sorbo.

Kevin Sorbo is arguably the greatest man spanning the history and distant future of mankind. Whenever someone asks you a question about why things are so good the answer is invariably: Kevin Sorbo. When the same person asks you what the hell they did to deserve the terrible things that are happening to them the answer is the same. Kevin Sorbo taught the world how to make television shows and he taught (and continues to teach) other men why they are not nearly as good as he is. Alligators brag about wrestling Kevin Sorbo, but they’re full of shit. They’re way too terrified to even look him in the eye.

When Kevin was born in Mound, Minnesota (check the facts. I didn’t make that up) in the promising year of 1958, both of his parents died on the spot because they knew they had served their purpose. There was simply nothing left that mattered after spawning the greatest gift ever given to humanity. Sorbo was so great he actually brought his parents back to life on the spot, also reviving several other deceased patients at the hospital and several corpses in the nearby Mound cemetary. The latter eventually tried to rise to power and take over the planet, as reanimated corpses are wont to do, and were returned to their bony graves by none other than Kevin Sorbo.

Stop making out with your monitor

Stop making out with your monitor

When Kevin Sorbo sneezes the devil says, “God bless you”. When the monsters of your darkest nightmares gather ’round a campfire and tell stories to scare each other they tell stories of Kevin Sorbo. When George Lucas makes important decisions regarding his movies he does not consult Kevin Sorbo, which is why George Lucas sucks at making movies. When Kevin Sorbo did voices for some of the characters in Mortal Kombat 4 he performed a fatality on the series and wiped it out. Flawless victory. When they finally decided to make Slaughter Of The Innocents they knew that only one person was man enough for the job. I don’t even have to say who, do I? Oh alright, it was Kevin Sorbo.

Every morning Mr T gets up bright and early and runs into his bathroom as quickly as he possibly can to look in the mirror and check if his lifelong wish of being Kevin Sorbo has come true. It has not come true, though, and so he must do commercials for Old Navy. Kevin Sorbo saved enough money from his career to survive without having to lower himself that way. When Stephen Hawking has a new idea he runs it past Kevin Sorbo to see if it makes any sense. Sometimes Sorbo has to tear the whole thing up and start it all over for Hawking, but he’s so kind and caring he allows Hawking to take credit for his work. People used to think the entire universe revolved around the Earth, but they were vastly incorrect. The entire universe revolves around Kevin Sorbo.

The only thing that makes Kevin Sorbo sweat like that is Kevin Sorbo.

The only thing that makes Kevin Sorbo sweat like that is Kevin Sorbo.

When an unstoppable force comes into contact with an immovable object they both shatter into pieces on Kevin Sorbo’s rock hard abs. The briefcase in Pulp Fiction contained one picture of Kevin Sorbo. “Is that what I think it is?” Yes. It’s Kevin Sorbo. Before Kevin Sorbo accepted the role as Hercules, Herc was a reputed weaking whom nobody could respect. Try to find that in your history books now. When Marvel creates a parallel universe they accept that, while many other things are variable, Kevin Sorbo’s greatness is equal and awesome in all existences. Predators keep a constant eye on their calendar, awaitng the terrifying return of Kevin Sorbo to hunt them for sport. When he played Deep Blue at chess, Kevin Sorbo made Blue intentionally kill its own king. Kevin Sorbo’s dancing is the only thing that will bring peace to the middle east.

When a concerned family member runs into the chapel in the hospital and falls on their knees, who do you think they’re praying to? Probably, they’re praying to God. They should be praying to Kevin Sorbo.

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18 Responses to People We All Look Up To #7: Kevin Sorbo

  1. Yes, well, he IS gorgeous. And a conservative, too.

    • Sascha says:

      Kevin Sorbo is defiantly a person who I look up to and someone I would love to grow up and be just like. He is defiantly a person people should look up to. It truly is amazing everything he has over come. I love how he is not afraid to voice his opinion even though he may get in trouble. I also like how he is the same person as when he is acting, meaning he has the same personality as his charters such as Hercules. All together I think Kevin Sorbo is an amazing person and a perfect role model for everyone.

  2. Chris says:

    Not sure what your point is – if you do have one – but I actually like Kevin Sorbo. I think he is a very good actor and I have liked him in all his roles, bit parts, guest appearances etc. I may not agree with all of his political views he spouts off on FaceBook, but I still like him. And as we used to say last century – I wouldn’t kick him outta bed for eating crackers. 🙂

    • snaughty says:

      My point was that Kevin Sorbo is awesome. My friends and I talk of his glory regulary. I had to share the wonder with everyone. I’m glad we’re in agreement about his greatness.

  3. Allen says:

    He must be kin to Chuck Norris

  4. dragonnan says:

    I found this because it was actually shared by Kevin Sorbo. Kevin Sorbo Official Facebook Page:
    “I have no idea what this is about, or where it is from, or if they are trying to be mean to me, or if this is a compliment……however, I laughed regardless. I would like to see who was numbers 1-6!!”

  5. missmuffina says:

    Gosh, this is just amazing in every way.

  6. Tammyt says:

    Love this. I agree. He’s great.

  7. snaughty says:

    Just to further explain, I have no bad feelings at all towards Kevin Sorbo, I think he’s great. I’m flattered to see that Kevin Sorbo himself has read this blog and enjoyed it. I was not trying to offend in any way, and for those who say that I’m just jealous I say: Of course. I thought it was very obvious from the start that I was completely jealous of Kevin Sorbo. That’s why I wrote this.

  8. tls says:

    This is a great commentary. Glad to see it was received with humor and not as offensive. I had not heard of this blog until Kevin Sorbo posted about it on his facebook page. I’ll be checking it out regularly now.

  9. Sandy says:

    Why did you write this? Are you a fan, someone who can’t stand him? Anyway you put it at least you’re getting out your frustrations in words instead of physically. Thanx

    • snaughty says:

      Why are you writing that comment, Sandy? Are you a fan of mine? Can you not stand me? I’m glad you’re working your frustration out by commenting on my blog instead of sharpening your guns into stabbing implements. Sometimes people just want to talk about how great someone is. If your life is too negative to understand that, fine, but don’t try to drag me down with you. Kevin Sorbo is the greatest

      • I’m sorry I offended you, personally I don’t really care what you write or of who. Sorry to bother you! I was reading your About page which is why I commented in the first place. But good to know!

  10. Joanie H. says:

    You are a good man Kevin! You post great stuff and I agree with all of it as I’m a Conservative too. I can just imagine how very proud your family is of you! May God continue to BLESS YOU good Kevin!!

  11. Kelara Reynolds says:

    What? If Kevin is # 7 who could be 1-6? That was funny in a wierd and confusing way :<

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