Kevin Sorbo is arguably the greatest man spanning the history and distant future of mankind. Whenever someone asks you a question about why things are so good the answer is invariably: Kevin Sorbo. When the same person asks you what the hell they did to deserve the terrible things that are happening to them the answer is the same. Kevin Sorbo taught the world how to make television shows and he taught (and continues to teach) other men why they are not nearly as good as he is. Alligators brag about wrestling Kevin Sorbo, but they’re full of shit. They’re way too terrified to even look him in the eye.
When Kevin was born in Mound, Minnesota (check the facts. I didn’t make that up) in the promising year of 1958, both of his parents died on the spot because they knew they had served their purpose. There was simply nothing left that mattered after spawning the greatest gift ever given to humanity. Sorbo was so great he actually brought his parents back to life on the spot, also reviving several other deceased patients at the hospital and several corpses in the nearby Mound cemetary. The latter eventually tried to rise to power and take over the planet, as reanimated corpses are wont to do, and were returned to their bony graves by none other than Kevin Sorbo.
When Kevin Sorbo sneezes the devil says, “God bless you”. When the monsters of your darkest nightmares gather ’round a campfire and tell stories to scare each other they tell stories of Kevin Sorbo. When George Lucas makes important decisions regarding his movies he does not consult Kevin Sorbo, which is why George Lucas sucks at making movies. When Kevin Sorbo did voices for some of the characters in Mortal Kombat 4 he performed a fatality on the series and wiped it out. Flawless victory. When they finally decided to make Slaughter Of The Innocents they knew that only one person was man enough for the job. I don’t even have to say who, do I? Oh alright, it was Kevin Sorbo.
Every morning Mr T gets up bright and early and runs into his bathroom as quickly as he possibly can to look in the mirror and check if his lifelong wish of being Kevin Sorbo has come true. It has not come true, though, and so he must do commercials for Old Navy. Kevin Sorbo saved enough money from his career to survive without having to lower himself that way. When Stephen Hawking has a new idea he runs it past Kevin Sorbo to see if it makes any sense. Sometimes Sorbo has to tear the whole thing up and start it all over for Hawking, but he’s so kind and caring he allows Hawking to take credit for his work. People used to think the entire universe revolved around the Earth, but they were vastly incorrect. The entire universe revolves around Kevin Sorbo.
When an unstoppable force comes into contact with an immovable object they both shatter into pieces on Kevin Sorbo’s rock hard abs. The briefcase in Pulp Fiction contained one picture of Kevin Sorbo. “Is that what I think it is?” Yes. It’s Kevin Sorbo. Before Kevin Sorbo accepted the role as Hercules, Herc was a reputed weaking whom nobody could respect. Try to find that in your history books now. When Marvel creates a parallel universe they accept that, while many other things are variable, Kevin Sorbo’s greatness is equal and awesome in all existences. Predators keep a constant eye on their calendar, awaitng the terrifying return of Kevin Sorbo to hunt them for sport. When he played Deep Blue at chess, Kevin Sorbo made Blue intentionally kill its own king. Kevin Sorbo’s dancing is the only thing that will bring peace to the middle east.
When a concerned family member runs into the chapel in the hospital and falls on their knees, who do you think they’re praying to? Probably, they’re praying to God. They should be praying to Kevin Sorbo.