A Nod To Greatness #7: The FBI Of Movies & Television

Uh oh, things just got a lot tougher for the good guys.

Admit it. When the FBI rolls on the scene in a movie you’re actually expecting them to make it worse. They’re never there to help the current situation or offer some sort of resolution to existing problems. The FBI (of the shows) exists purely to cause strife to the do gooder. If the situation looks as though not enough people are going to die needlessly send in the FBI. If there haven’t been enough explosions and if they have to do a certain number of explosions in a month to keep up the quota, or they’re going to be facing harsh cutbacks, the FBI is there to blow things up that don’t have to be blown up. It’s the fourth of July, assholes, and we’re going over-budget. If there’s anyone who can show up at a crucial moment with pertinent information and then not share it with anyone until it’s too late, it’s the FBI. Why does the FBI get this horrible name? What did the FBI ever do to Hollywood? Which agent does the CIA have? They must be very good at what they do. They always have their shit together. In the movies, anyway.

If there’s one thing the Feds are good at, it’s not working with any of the other agencies to resolve anything. They strut around and flaunt their “control” over a situation and make sure to find whatever hardworking cop is most likely to save the day so they can take him/her aside and tell him/her what a piece of shit s/he is. They can make jocular remarks and behave like cowboys and make stupid risks with low odds. It’s amazing that anyone in the FBI has any experience as it would seem most of them die every time they get into combat. Navy Seal? That doesn’t mean anything to the FBI. Your opinion is equal to worthless. Do not try to get in the way. We have more explosions.

Courtesy of the FBI

What’s the situation? Three armed men, holding hostages and making demands? Local law enforcement sniper is ready to take them out and rescue the hostages? I don’t think so. We’re replacing your sniper with our own sniper, who is really a banana tied to a string which is also tied to a two hundred and thirty year old musket. Its black powder is wet, but it’s a cowboy of a banana, the situation can’t end badly. Got somebody with hostages in a location where the banana can’t shoot them? We’ll go in through the vents and get a bunch of people shot even though you didn’t want to breach the building. We want our negotiator talking to the perp, she’s a drug addict and she has a migraine. No one else is allowed on the line. The terrorists have a bomb big enough to blow up the entire city? Well we’ll just blow their bomb up with our bomb. They were not expecting that one.

Let’s be honest: When you hear the FBI is coming in a movie now they might as well show up thirty agents per car, with colourful wigs on and balloons tied in the shape of guns. I would really enjoy it if some of that cliche circus music became the FBI’s theme song. To their credit, they usually all die off and allow the real heroes to save the day. It’s as though they just want to be represented at all events where lots of people are dying and they hire the people who will not only add to the death count, but more than happily contribute to it themselves.

What’s the most smoothly running machine here and how can we cripple it?

Let’s all step back for a minute and be frank. If the FBI came into your house or place of business and wanted to sit you down and ask you a bunch of questions you would probably wet yourself a little bit. You never see the real FBI on America’s Funniest Home Videos. They don’t have FBI fail compilations on the internet. What the hell happened between Hollywood and the FBI? What kind of tensions could run so deep as to inspire all of these lies and this mutual contempt? Though it didn’t start the trend, no movie sells this point better than Die Hard, in which the antagonists rely on the stupidity of the FBI to enable them to steal millions of dollars. Gentlemen, I give you the F.. B.. I.. Die Hard didn’t invent the idea, though, it goes deeper than that.

The real stories you hear about the FBI are the ones about them kicking asses and writing down a lot of names. A comparable amount of names to asses, too. Is this a trick to make them look even better? Does the real FBI look amazing because of the very low standard that the fake FBI sets in theatres and homes the world around? It’s not just in North America, friends. I’m sure the FBI is known around the world as being the most terrible government agency and it’s only because of the movies. When people come across the real thing and they actually have their shit together I’m sure it throws them completely off. I’ve noticed the real FBI has allowed more than a couple of explosions cuts to go through, but I can’t blame them. Sometimes you get in trouble for blowing up things for no reason.

Advertisements