Advice #2: Avoid Adobe (Update Available!)

uck you, Adobe

uck you, Adobe

There is an update for some random Adobe product you never use available and you have to install it RIGHT NOW! You’re on a site with nothing but text? You need the adobe flash player update. You can’t read text without adobe flash player. Remember when Adobe didn’t exist? Remember when you could go to websites without constant bombardment from a company full of assholes? You’ve likely used adobe flash player once in your life, that was the reason you installed it, and never again since then. Twenty useless updates have come out since then, though, and some pain in the ass ad on the website you’re visiting needs flash in order to play really loud sound clips of girls talking dirty in a pop-up behind whatever you’re currently looking at. I hate you, Adobe. I hate the shitty useless programs that you landmine all over the internet. Why don’t you just die?

So I have strong feelings about Adobe, I’ll admit it. How handy are PDF files, right? A file with pictures and text that you can’t edit without a mostly useless program that you have to pay for. You never want to get acrobat reader. You have to get it because something from your work needs you to open a pdf one time in your life and suddenly you’re letting down the side by not updating the useless shit. What kind of update could there be for acrobat that is so important? It’s the most useless format in the history of the world. A pdf is just like some html, only you can’t take components out of it without buying the pdf editor from Adobe. It’s too hard to take a screenshot of a pdf and just paste the picture you want into paint. You can’t load the text in one window and just copy it out in another. For some reason, though, business minded people think they’re the greatest because they can produce pdfs. If you make any kind of pdf and give it to people then you should know that everyone in your life hates you and they’re secretly hoping your face catches on fire.

Thanks adobe, I couldn't read things before you came along.

Thanks adobe, I couldn’t read things before you came along.

Adobe wants everyone to know that a lot of fake updates have been going around lately infecting people’s computers and giving Adobe an even worse name than usual, if that’s even mathematically possible. Go figure that the people who wanted to infect the unaware denizens of the internet would go after people who use Adobe products. That must just be a coincidence, guys. It’s terrible when your name gets ruined because you decided to make a product that would only sell to idiots and less than honest computer programmers take advantage of the niche market you’ve gathered up for them.

If you’re here looking for advice about how to handle updating your Adobe products then I’d like to help you out. The first step is to remove any Adobe products you have from your computer. Step two is to never use it again, or at least don’t use it until your boss makes you read something uninspired they wrote and then excreted as a pdf. In reality, though, if you really have to use their products then only get updates from the Adobe website and don’t trust any other websites that try to tell you you need to update. Whenever a site tells you that you have to update something you should be wary. There’s a security risk involving acrobat reader? How amusing. Imagine the calamity if someone got to read that one pdf file I have on my pc. They’d be able to glean all kinds of information from it, such as my boss doesn’t read very often and has no talent whatsoever with a camera.

I’d like to repeat here my unbridled hatred for Adobe and all of the crap they’ve clogged the internet with. You know that the responsibility all comes back on you guys. Sure, the hackers are to blame in their own way, but they would be so much more powerless had you not come along and convinced everyone that they need your useless, shitty product. The fact that people’s lives are being disturbed simply because they were trying to update a useless appendage on their pc is appalling. I’m going to write Adobe Memory Lapse for you next. It’ll be a sweet little program where you can write or draw things but you’re not allowed to save them. It’ll basically be like Word, only more useless. Go back to making real programs, guys. You’ll find there’s a lot less drama.

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