Know Your Foe #4: People Who Film Their Televisions Then Share It Online

Rule #1 of filming your television is to use your hands instead of a flat surface

Rule #1 of filming your television is to use your hands instead of a flat surface

I’m not a man of violence. I haven’t been in a physical fight in the last twenty years of my life and I don’t aim to be in one in the next twenty. Unless. Unless I meet someone who admits to me they’ve filmed their television and put the video on Youtube. I sit here at a great crossroads. There are so many ways I want to express my anger for searching for anything on the internet and finding something that just looks like a low quality video and going for it, having lowered your standards in the hopes of just being able to find it, and then getting the jerky, leaning bullshit which has never once made any person looking for that particular media happy. Even people on ecstasy are home-runnig their monitors from their desks with their fancy keyboards when they see the first four seconds of these videos. Heroin addicts are getting up from the couch to spike their cell phones into the concrete in less than four seconds. No one watches more than that, unless they’re a masochist, and even they have their limits. The human body can only take so much. What inspires people to do this? I think it’s the same thing that inspires people to make art out of elephant feces. Now that I think about it, the results bear a striking resemblance.

I read a short story when I was younger and I wish I could remember the title now so I could tell you what it was. I don’t remember the title, but the premise was a man living on the moon (I think. He may have been living in the “bowels” of the Earth, but that’s disgusting so I’m going to say the moon) watching over his country, armed with the destructive power to destroy the rest of the Earth if his half happened to be wiped out by the other team. It came down to the question of whether wiping out the race for revenge was really a good idea, or if you’d hope the people who survived felt so terrible about what they did that it would never happen again. If the man living on the moon, weighing this question, were to take a break and try to find the More Cowbell skit from Saturday Night Live on Youtube, the race would be toast. It wouldn’t even be for revenge. It would be a preventitive matter. What if there was intelligent life out there and it tapped into our internet and saw a video of a show someone recorded from their television with a cellphone? Can you imagine how embarassing that would be to us, as a race?

It’s time Youtube and similar sites slapped a button down that allows people to report a video as some asshole recording their television. Here’s what would happen. If the video got more than seventy percent of the views reporting it as ART (asshole recording tv) it would be taken down for review by a professional, and if found to be ART to be destroyed with five active witnesses. The person who posted the video would then be hunted down by large packs of burly dogs and wolverines, then mercifully saved before they could be devoured. A hasty trial would ensue which would be followed by the ARTist being fed to the dogs and the wolverines, because they worked hard and they deserve something to eat. The best part is it’s really easy to write the code to make that button, so there’s no reason they shouldn’t get started on it pronto. There’s no excuse. The worst part for the shows you can only find on lame phone recordings is, compared to the ones you can actually find, you start to hate them.

No wonder I don't get invited to any parties, I thought they'd understand but they hate me

No wonder I don’t get invited to any parties, I thought they’d understand but they hate me

“Oh no, Benny! I’m one of those people! What do I do to atone for my terrible, terrible ways?” You’re mistaken in calling yourself a person, as you’ve actually stepped down from humanity at this point. It’s okay, the first thing to do is relax. You can still get rid of the video and lash yourself with a barbed rope forty times a day for as many days as the video got views. After that you will be square with the house and able to show your face in public again. Your family will change their names back and return to their original residences. Your friends will carry less contempt and less pepper spray in equal portion. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

In conclusion I would like to remind you that letting a friend get away with ART is just enabling and you’re an evil imposter posing as a friend when you do that. You’re hurting not only the people around you, but also random people you’ll never meet and likely don’t care at all about. But they care about you. They’re going to cry themselves to sleep tonight because you’re too uncaring to help fix the world. You should be ashamed. It’s time to be stark. It’s time to try to make humanity look like we’re not the cause of an international detour around our planet. Cell phones are for recording the idiotic things your friends do when they’re intoxicated and for making videos of yourself doing unspeakable things that you ultimately regret. Of course, they’re also for recording your lolcats and videos of your children doing things no one but you wants to see. This is not to say using a camera on a television is acceptable either. Plug the feed into your PC or get the hell out of here. Most importantly, remember the burly dogs and wolverines.

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