So I was sitting with a friend looking at my site stats and I noticed that, while something like six people had liked one of my blogs, only one person had actually read it. Apparently my writing is so good people can read the first little sample text and be driven to let the world know that the whole blog was great. It was so pants-peeling awesome that they didn’t even have to read the rest of it. We all know (we being bloggers) why people do this: if they liked something of yours without reading it maybe you’ll go and actually read theirs. Maybe you’ll spend money on the things they’re blogging about. Maybe they don’t really know you very well, though, because you’re obviously far too bright to fall into that hole. Of course, the big brother to this one is a commercial blog that seems to be run by at least five people, none of which are actually in the mood to read other people’s blogs, subscribes to your blog so you’ll return the favour and get blasted in the face with their products and their profound ideas, whichever comes first. So yeah, just the products.
Let me put this down so I can forever stand by it after the fact. If I ‘liked’ your blog it means I actually read it and.. get ready for it.. actually liked it. I know this is a shocking idea but I am a bit of a radical. If I don’t like someone’s writing I’ll try to read something else they wrote, and then something else. Sure, standards might get lowered a tiny bit (usually they are not, though) but the fact is I refuse to sell myself out and vie for phony attention. A million fake likes will never amount to one real like. The one from a person who not only actually understands what you were trying to say but also appreciates the fact that you put to words something that has been in the back of their mind for a while. That’s what’s great about being on the other end of liking people’s things, if you’re honest people can get a very good idea of who you are and what you stand for. If you like a billion things without even reading them then we also get a good idea of who you are and what you stand for.
You stand for having a million facebook and myspace friends you’ve never met or even talked to. People who, as it turns out, could be Naruto fans and you’d never even know it. Or Bronies. It’s a tragedy we’d all like to avoid. I am fully understanding of the fact that the online world is mostly as fake as a 3.14159 dollar bill (but wouldn’t a Pi dollar bill be so sexy? I want one) but that doesn’t mean we should just accept everything being plastic and move on. Why does wordpress even allow people to like something they haven’t read? I mean, if it’s a picture and no text then by all means, I get it. You can like a picture without having to zoom all the way in to see the whiskers. Even for songs you can listen to it and like it without having to actually click on the post. For text, though? That’s lame. Unless I’m supposed to be keeping my writing to four lines or less. That might make sense.
For you wonderful members of Readerland who obviously have clicked and come this far I must say that even without your like I’m still a big fan of yours. You make my world spin around. You are the proverbial cat’s pajamas and you should strut for the rest of the day. If anyone asks you why send them directly to my office. They’re probably the type to like and run. As for you like and runners, I would suggest that if you want people to enjoy what you wrote you should find people with similar interests and actually read what they wrote about. You get good ideas when you read other people’s things and it keeps your mind fresh. Suddenly putting a dishonest like on someone’s work seems tacky and sad. If you don’t like what someone wrote enough to actually read it what makes you think they’re going to be all over your work? A little consideration goes a long way, even online. It’s true. I realize this topic may not be for everyone, though, so I thought I’d add a little part that is not long enough to be a blog, in my opinion, but certainly needs to be said. It’s about Donut Breath.
Have you seen the gum commercials? The ones with the Bad Breath Barons or whatever they’re called? There’s garlic and coffee and onions, and we all know those can lead to some pretty smelly breath. The last of the four is cigarettes, because those make your breath smell like a garbage bag that caught on fire. Oh hold up, it’s not a cigarette, it’s a.. donut. A donut? What does donut breath even smell like? I’ve never been kissing a girl and then had to stop abruptly because of her overpowering donut breath. I’ve never had to tell one of my friends that their donut breath was getting a little out of control. Why are they hating on donuts so much? There are many types of cheese that people consume that smell like a ripe crypt. Even alcohol or marijuana have a distinct smell that most do not find pleasant, but they don’t make the cut. Next time you’re considering a donut don’t even worry about what it’s actually doing to your body, but instead worry about whether people three hours from now are going to grab you by your tasteful jacket and say, “Listen up, Maple Breath, it’s time you chewed some gum.”