Tragic Mistakes #4: Beyonce wanting “unflattering” online photos Stricken from the Internet

Don't worry about it, Beyonce, I'm also kookoo for cocoa puffs

Don’t worry about it, Beyonce, I’m also kookoo for cocoa puffs

This just in: Beyonce doesn’t look so hot she’d melt your face off all the time. Sometimes pictures of her actually look like complete garbage! It’s not just me! Just.. well it seems to happen more often for me. If you’re not actively aware, The Superbowl, which is some sort of sporting event I don’t watch, has a half-time show where a performer has the once in a lifetime chance to throw a wrench in their confidence engine and make it smash into pieces like an old washing machine someone thows a brick into. If you haven’t seen that video I’ll wait here while you watch it. It’s amazing. Seen it now? Great! Beyonce apparently feels like that washing machine after its destiny with that brick. Why? The reason is simple, my friends. You are only as pretty/handsome as the ugliest picture of you online, that’s why. Knowing this rule and how many thousands of pictures I took and deleted over the years to mine for gold have obviously paid off. I’m hotter than Beyonce because there aren’t any pictures of me floating around like the one above. Obviously this standard doesn’t hold true, though, because I am not hotter than Beyonce. Being more attractive than Beyonce in her own mind isn’t really a vicotry in the looks department at all, and I doubt it’ll impress any of the women I try to use it on at the bar later. The ones it does impress are scary.

So what happened, exactly? Why am I spouting this nonsense? Well, apparently a photographer was at the superbowl (go figure) and they took pictures of Beyonce that didn’t all come out perfectly. They then had the nerve to put those pictures online, and suddenly the world knew Beyonce wasn’t a doll taken out of a box for music videos and awards shows. Then her publicist, an obvious Internet professional, decided to try to email people and have them remove the pictures. If you’ve been on the internet for more than ten seconds I don’t even have to explain how stupid this plan was. For those of you who just got a connection and came straight to my blog, allow me to explain. Asking them to take that pictures down is exactly the same as asking the bullies in school to give your ball back when they’re tossing it to each other in a circle around you. The Internet is even better at playing keep-away because it’s remarkably easy to copy any media online. As you can imagine, the pictures are still there and everyone and his brother was online as soon as they heard that trying to download all of the pictures, just in case the rest of the ‘net had some kind of weird compassionate moment and actually deleted them all. Those pictures were likely to get lost online in a flood of hot pictures of Beyonce. I didn’t even hear about it (I didn’t watch the Superbowl, I read a really good book though. I won) until hearing about the pictures being asked to be removed. I tried to fight it. I tried not to look. I’m a weak man, okay?

Ask anyone who’s sent a nude to someone online about how long a digital image can last. Even if half the world burned away and you moved to the other side, the only survivor of your side. You’d bump into someone in Guam who still had it and probably photoshopped themselves into it. Hard drives come in sizes now that we would scarcely have been able to consider ten years ago. You can have millions of pictures and never have to delete any of them. Don’t send people pictures if you don’t want everyone to see them. If you follow that rule then it’s actually pretty easy. If someone wants to see you naked make them hop on a plane, rent a room and buy you a nice hot meal and some drinks first. Likewise, if the NFL asks you to perform at the superbowl and you’re deathly afraid of there ever being an unflattering picture of you then do yourself a favour and say no. Or you could be a tramp and show off your nipple. That worked for Janet because so many people had already seen her nipples online anyway that no one really even noticed. If you search for her nipple online you’ll get lost in myriad other pictures of it. Hell, you might even find nipples pretending to be hers. Janet knew the score.

Let’s all take a step back for a second here. Remove those photos from the Internet. WHAT?!?! I mean, if she asked Al Gore I suppose he could have done something about it, as he invented the internet and still runs it in his basement. When there’s flooding in Al Gore’s neighbourhood the Internet goes down, so try to watch the weather forcasts and not plan clan matches when it’s heavy rain in his area. Asking the ‘net itself, though, to be kind, considerate and compassionate is literally the worst mistake you can make. The biggest problem here, though, is actually caring about some bad pictures of you online when a person actually looking for bad pictures of you has a rough time and actually has to break down and masturbate before he can write his blog. There’s obviously a deeper rooted problem here which is growing into a crazytree. What guy has had a girlfriend he didn’t see in the morning and had to ID to make sure it was the same girl? Guys understand. Hell, we look that way for half the day. “Yes, it’s really me. It is. I mean it. Alright, I’ll shave and shower! It’s only noon!” Just take it easy, Beyonce, I think everyone who wanted to sleep with you a week ago still does today. There is no disturbance in the force. The caring meter is sitting in the comfort zone. The carebears are all napping and smoking pot. This may make them sound like uncaring bears, but everyone needs a break, leave them alone. They care more about your life than you really do about theirs, and it stems from jealousy about their living on clouds. They know that. Maybe the clouds they live on are weed smoke, I’m not certain.

I laughed at this until parts of me hurt and I had cried all over my glasses last night and then I laughed more.

I laughed at this until parts of me hurt and I had cried all over my glasses last night and then I laughed more.

The best thing about drawing a bunch of attention to pictures like this is people will immediately whip their photoshops out and go to town on them, trying to make themselves stand out as a person using your shame as a stepping stone. I think when photoshop was invented it was designed to make things look great, to make pretty things prettier and to make the scary things give you the creeps. I don’t think anyone who designed it figured most people would use it to combine pictures into things that made people laugh until their ribs hurt. Just like Beyonce’s soon to be fired publicist didn’t figure that demmanding pictures removed from the net would lead to this picture we have here. This is the sexiest picture of Beyonce I have ever seen. I wish those crazy lips were all over my face region. I wish she had that reaction to seeing me. I wish people would just let it go and understand that we all look like idiots sometimes and the more you try to fight it the bigger the idiot you look. I’m never getting rid of that picture. It still makes me hurt, but in such a good way.

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