Tragic Mistakes #1: Online Dating

If you’ve ever tried to get to know people in an online chat environ then you probably already know that you’d be better off looking for a mate at the local prison. I subscribe to the Live and Don’t Learn school of relationships, though, so I’ve made this mistake more than once. Maybe even more than twice. I’m not going to get into those details. The point is I’ve tried it many times and it’s very difficult to remember a single instance where it was not a horrible decision. It doesn’t even matter how the relationship itself is going, that’s the killer part. If the relationship is not going well as it is then it’s already shaping up to be a bad choice. When the relationship is going well, though, you’re spending your time cursing the world for putting you so far away from people you’re obviously so compatible with. Thinking this is your first mistake of many. Allow me to explain.

When you meet someone online and they tell you things about themselves you start to build a framework in your mind of who that person is. In real life there are a million little things we observe in people’s behaviour that tell us everything we need to know about that person. Online it’s your imagination stepping in to fill in the gaps, and your imagination has a way of filling in the blanks with things that you like. The reality starts to assert itself a little at a time and you realize you’re in love with a figment of your imagination. Go figure people don’t tell you most of their bad habits when you’re getting to know them. You should be more than a little afraid of the ones who do. No one wants to know what kind of crap they are holding back.

This time, though, is different. This time you can tell that you’ve finally found a person who appreciates you for who you really are. This time you’re going to break the tradition and prove them all wrong. Then three days later, when you’re starting to feel really close, they’ll explain to you that they’re married and they wished their wife/husband complimented them the way you do. This is the ultimate bad scenario for you to be in. I would suggest learning Klingon so you can curse them out in a language more deserving the type of human they are. You see, this little scenario involves you being the perfect match for them so they can imagine having sex with you while they’re sleeping with the disgusting pile of inconsiderate they married. You don’t get to have any sex or any companionship, but you can rest assured that if they weren’t married to that person they would instead be married to another identical person, but they’ll always want you. Isn’t that romantic? While they’re spending Valentine’s day with their spouse you’re alone hoping that they’re having some really good sex without you.

Holding back on explaining the marriage, though, is peanuts compared to some of the lies people will tell you to get you to send them revealing pics or possibly to cam. Warning: If you’re with someone who doesn’t have a cam but is asking you to go on yours I would suggest hiring someone to burn their house down. Cams cost a total of about ten dollars now. Anyone who is afraid to buy one but expects you to hop on yours is the kind of person you don’t want to see you naked. You don’t even want them to know you exist or what you look like, lest you be tied in a pit in their mind until the earth can manage to stomach swallowing them back up. Sending fake pictures? What is this, the early nineties? Anything is up for grabs in the lies department. Race, religion, nationality, employment, criminal record, length of penis, owning a pimp car, drug addictions, whether or not they’re a fan of Sailormoon, any of these things and more!

The only thing worse than the constant liar is the person who can’t help but give away everything right off the bat. Did we just meet? Well it might interest you to know that for the latter half of my life I’ve been a complete slut with no standards. You couldn’t even guess how many sexual organs I’ve brushed up against! Doesn’t that just drive you wild? Here’s a little hint for both men and women: if you’ve been a slut for a long time but have since stopped and been checked three times over the course of the next year and you don’t have an STD, do us all a favour and shut the fuck up about being a slut. Nobody is impressed by the fact that you have no standards. It doesn’t make them feel special when you like them, either, because of the whole no standards thing. Counting how many peoople you’ve slept with and wearing it like a badge doesn’t make you look confident. It makes you look very insecure, and of course we’re all forced to wonder about the quality of person you’ve been sleeping with. When you’re giving digits instead of details there’s usually a really good reason for that. “Slept with a hundred and six girls, hmm? I bet I can make that a hundred and seven!” When you tell a person who is developing feelings for you that you’re a petri dish for STDs, that in fact you are the very reason STDs were invented, you should not be surprised when they change their name and move to another country.

If you take these points aside, though, you might think that you’ve managed to find the exception to the rule, and I’ve been there a time or two myself. This is where the worst part of online dating comes into play. Have you ever played I Wish? It’s a great game and you’ll never get enough of it. The way the game works is you start half of your sentences with, “I wish..” and then some sentiment about how you’d really like to be able to touch that other person instead of just touching yourself. There are billions of different things you can put after “I wish”, but they all amount to how it was fun at first but a relationship ultimately needs contact and warmth and confirmation of details provided. It also sucks large when all of your “dates” take place at your computer. Eventually you come to feel like you’re chained to your computer and you start to dread turning it on. Sometimes we’re just meant to be alone, that’s all. There’s nothing wrong with it. Sure, most of your friends have somebody, but when you look really close that somebody is not anything you’re really interested in. Waiting for the right person can be difficult, but you really don’t want to miss your chance because you’re tied to something that’s not going anywhere. Trust me. If you decide to go against my advice, though, understand that I hold nothing against you. I don’t pretend to know everything and one day expect to be proven wrong. In the mean time, I wish you the best of luck. And wishes.

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