Know Your Foe #2: Clever Internet Advertisers

You wouldn't like language professors when they hate you

You wouldn’t like language professors when they hate you

A recent trend in online advertising is the Sales-Through-Spite approach you see in the picture to the left. Apparently the hot thing to do with your money now is to spend it on things invented by people who are more than just a little despised by their peers. People who are unashamed to admit that people Hate them. If your buying a product can in some way screw over a person who ordinarily makes a lot of money then you’ve found yourself a bargain. The fame is the real reward for these hated souls. The fame is what makes it all worthwhile, right? You have to appreciate that this man supposedly invented a method of learning any language (any? Latin? Klingon? COBOL?) in a matter of days, but fuck that guy, we’re not even going to tell you his name. Sure, we’ll put a picture of him. We’ll make sure it’s a picture of someone you might feel a little sorry for since he cannot go to a single linguistics convention (they have those, right?) out of fear of retribution in the form of verbal mutilation. If it’s a linguistics convention then odds are they have some telling and quite stinging things to share in their feelings for you. Whoever the model was is now a monk and lives in silent solitude. I mean, unless this is a true story..

I thought dermatologists did real work instead of making wrinkle cream. I was wrong.

I thought dermatologists did real work instead of making wrinkle cream. I was wrong.

This was actually the first of the X Hates Y ads that I saw and I’ve saved it until second for a very special reason. Photoshop is a wonderful program and you can certainly change the appearance of a picture with it, but sometimes you need to open your eyes a little and use your brains too. Apparently the method this granny invented for removing wrinkles also dyes your hair blonde and gets rid of your Granny Brand Haircut. If you look closely (I coudln’t help myself) you’ll notice the old woman’s face on top continues over almost half an inch further off to the right. Maybe that’s wrinkle buildup that’s actually peeling from her face? Why would dermatologists hate someone who invented a wrinkle remover? I’d understand if plastic surgeons hated her. I’m pretty sure it also used to just be “Doctors Hate her” but by the time I decided to do this blog I couldn’t find that one anymore. Apparently doctors like ’em wrinkly.

They hate that guy? Why? Scientists discovered it, not that guy.

They hate that guy? Why? Scientists discovered it, not that guy.

I saved this one for last because it’s my all time favourite. Apparently trainers hate that guy, even though he’s just a ripped guy. This method was attributed to multiple scientists, none of which are that guy, even when they’re dreaming that they’re ripped. I have friends who are trainers and I asked around a little to find out how much *and* why they hate that guy. The response was a resounding, “Who?” Apparently only some trainers hate him, but fuck them anyway. Hey, wait a minute, since when do trainers make as much as doctors? Why do we have to hate them when we buy things to feel good about ourselves? The biggest question, though, is how did that guy work out so much that his muscles grew over the back of his hair? Again, to the more discerning eye it’s pretty obvious that if that body and that head go together that man has some very serious problems. Mother Nature HATES Him, okay, I’ll accept that one. The proof is in the pudding. From what I can gather, making your stomach and arms look like that has a way of making your face look like a lab rat that’s hooked on the six-times-its-weight-in-cocaine-a-day diet. Apparently you can’t have it all. I’ll just stay gorgeous.

These advertisements have been a sorry example of trying to peddle a product online. Does anybody know what they’re doing anymore? What’s the funniest and strangest banner I’ve ever seen? Both great questions and one great answer. What does the following banner say to you? I’ve seen it a few times and I have to admit that it sticks in my head a lot. It raises many questions, some good and some best left to fortune cookies. Why would anyone want to buy a horse mask? Some research has shown that apparently a lot of people enjoy buying horse masks and taking picture of them wearing the horse masks in various places, always with the sole intent of looking stupid. Why is a cat reading a newspaper and what column was he reading that brought him to that stunning realization? Why don’t I have a horse mask? I hate to admit this, but this last banner actually works. Whatever I’m doing, be it cooking, working, singing Jpop in the shower, smoking things, etc, I’ll suddenly stop and think, “I should buy a horse mask!” and then spend the next five minutes in my head telling my brain why I shouldn’t buy a horse mask. The thing is, my arguments are starting to lose their conviction.. Oh no..

This is the opposite of hate. This is Horsemask Love

This is the opposite of hate. This is Horsemask Love

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