Things That Cost A Lot Of Money #1: Eyewear / Glasses

It struck me today that I should share my thoughts on eye glasses and how delightful and delightfully expensive they can be. The reason it struck me is I broke my glasses and am currently in the process of gluing them back together *and* wearing them at the same time. I’m accomplishing this magical feat by tying them together with string looped around the middle of the lens that’s having difficulty staying inside the frame and the frame itself. You might think this would make my glasses impossible to see through and that they’d give me a tremendous headache. In this hypothesis you would be incorrect about being able to see through them, but completely on par with the summation of mental pain. Why am I going to such lengths when I could just go buy another pair of glasses? Don’t be silly. I can’t just go and buy another pair of glasses. We’re not talking about a tee-shirt here. We’re not talking about a pair of really nice shoes. Nice suit? Now you’re starting to get into the right range.
Sure, there are cheaper frames out there that the average person can infest upon their face. I use the word “infest” kindly here, as I’m sure there are more appropriate words for putting affordable spectacles on your ears and face region. I just don’t want to utter those words here. For some reason glasses are sold strictly based on how good they look on you. All of the ones that will make your face look like it’s trapped in a designer’s nightmare vise are in your price range, as are all of the very thick ones with different shades of brown appearing at random all around the frames that, for some strange reason, always reminds you of your grandmother. Maybe that’s a personal thing, though. Maybe they remind you of my grandmother. I never thought about it that way.
When someone gets the right pair of glasses you can tell from more than thirty feet away (unless you’re still looking for your right pair, in which case squinting is advised) because their face is not only transformed slighty by the addition of the glasses; it’s actually looking better than it did before the glasses were applied. Some people think that only certain people are lucky enough for this to apply to but I will contend to the death that they are wrong and maybe just a little bit afraid of the people at Lenscrafters who circle you like vultures the moment you glance into the store from across the mall. If you spend enough time looking for the right pair of glasses you will certainly find them. The perfect pair for your face! The frame for the most wonderful self-portrait you’ve ever seen. You’ll never find them early on, and there’s a very special reason for that. It takes hours upon hours if you really mean it. I’ve made the mistake of picking a pair that I thought was okay and wanting to punch myself in the face everytime I saw myself in the mirror when I went to the bathroom. When you can’t even blame the bullies for picking on you you know it’s time to invest a little more in your selection.
The main reason it takes so long to find the perfect pair is there are a lot of cheap models that the clerk will allow you to sample at first, knowing full well you’re never going to buy them. Those same frames have been around since the late 30’s, and they look it. Those are just a garnish for the really expensive meal you’re about to invest in, and you get to enjoy them for a short time for free. After the regular frames are dusted and the wood and leather parts are given a good polish you’ll start seeing the frames that most people instinctively lunge upon because they look like they may have been designed by someone who is alive. Do not be weak at this point and buy these frames. They are likely at the top of your budget, maybe even just a little more expensive, but that doesn’t mean you should fold like the proverbial deck of cards just yet. The real frames are starting to come your way because there are no other frames left in the store/town/country that fit into your price range. “These ones are a little bit more, but as you can see..” is an expression you should grow accustomed to.
Finally, when you feel like gouging your eyes out to let yourself off the hook, the perfect pair will come along, possibly on a navy or lavendar silk pillow, depending on your particular boutique. They won’t even have to bend the living shit out of them to make them look normal on your face. They’ll just fit perfectly and you’ll want to pounce yourself through the mirror, and if you were getting pounced by such a pretty/handsome devil you’d probably be feeling pretty dapper. The frames themselves cost at least three hundred dollars more than you had originally intended to spend, always painstakingly measured in the hours of trial and error. You gladly put yourself into debt so you can go home and take care of those glasses better than you’ve taken care of anything in your life. For the months and years that follow people who knew you before those frames will want you to see them in various stages of undress through those very lenses. Fact.
My glasses may be a little broken but they still look better on me than anything I can afford right now. I’m going to have to crack into the retirement fund, I think, at this point. By the looks of it my current frames will endure, and that makes me a happy boy. I’m going to put off getting new ones as long as I can. I’ve got a horrible problem, you see, I know that it’s going to cost three hundred plus dollars more than I expect, but if I’m expecting that then does it mean it will cost even more than that? Am I going to have to sell myself and my soul into servitude to Calvin Klein just to not want to punch myself in the face?

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