Know your Foe #1: The Spoiler


It’s been an age since I’ve shared my thoughts online and some might argue that the internet has improved in that period of time. Some also might argue that drinking the essence of the penis of large animals will make their penis, and the penii of those around them, larger. Others argue that the solution to gun problems in schools is to have more armed teachers and staff. As you can see, listening to arguments is seldom worth your time. Thus, I return to writerland to share the things that make me so angry my brain stops working. I’ve discovered that sharing my misery makes me feel far better and, for some reason, people like it.  But what could have happened today to spark the ultimate in rage? Spoilers. I hate spoilers. I hate them more than you might imagine. If I were to go to hell after dying and be offered the choice between staying in a room full of nazis and pedophiles and a room ful of spoilers, I’ll admit I would probably end up choosing the room full of spoilers, but I would have to give it considerable thought.

   What/who is a spoiler? Webster’s dictionary defines a spoiler as, “The epitome of fuckery” or “an inconsiderate asshole”. A spoiler is the person who finds out you really like some type of story, be it a series of novels, an individual novel, movies, comics, campfire stories, cave paintings, etc., and then ruins an important part of the story for you for no good reason you could possibly imagine. What kind of depravity does it take to want to suck all of the excitement out of a story and turn it into another adventure of “When is the part he/she told me about going to happen? Is it now?”. Not only does the spoil give away that one important piece of the story, No! It also gives away other parts that your brain will logically figure out will be required for the characters to arrive at that particular situation. For the remainder of your enjoyment of the medium (whichever it is) there will always be a voice in the back of your head distracting you from what you otherwise would have been completely absorbed in and completely surprised by. The only thing I can compare it to fairly is being a little kid and having your friend break your new toy before you even really got to use it.

   I’ve known many spoilers in my life, too. They’re not hard to find. One of my best friends growing up was a spoiler (he later studied film post-secondary, I shit you not). The spoil that sticks out most clearly in my head was my grade nine (that’s ninth grade for my American friends) English teacher handed out And Then There Were None, a fairly compelling novel for a man of my tastes. I was delighted she had selected this book for us to read, but quite less delighted when she explained, “Don’t turn to the last page and read the name there, because that’s the killer.” I don’t know if she’s still teaching, but I hope she’s instead putting her intelligence to better use. Something akin to, say, using her head to bash doors down for the police. I’m sorry, I got a little distracted there. After hearing this information, my friend, Dave, turned to me before I could even say, “I don’t want to know”, and said “Hey! It’s that —————“. You’ll note I will not make the same mistake as the people I’m discussing, that would be less than dignified.

   I think I’ve managed to crack some of the code on what drives people to urinate in the general direction of your parade. For the case of people who have already read the same book or watched the same movie, they want you to know how cool they are for having seen it before you. When you watch the movie, knowing what’s going to happen, you can at last pump your fist and know that not only was your cool friend correct, but for the remaining twenty minutes everything is going to be fresh and exciting. These spolers are evil, sure, but they just want to feel cool because they were capable of taking in information from a form of media, and in all honesty, that is an impressive ability. Most of the time people like this don’t even really understand that they’re spoiling something. I would suggest electro-shock therapy for people such as these.

   The evil incarnate spoiler is the person who was been enjoying a show, or a series of books or movies with you, but unlike you is too impatient to actually wait to find out what happens and instead goes and reads the manga or the books or the original inspiration for what you’re enjoying. After this happens they feel bad because now they’re not looking as forward to what’s to come, and so they make it all better by ruining it for you as well. You see, it’s not their fault they ruined something you loved; it’s your fault. It’s your fault because you didn’t punch them in the mouth or hang the phone up on them when they called you. You didn’t get a restraining order while you still had a chance. I realize in saying this that I’m saying it is my own fault that a story was spoiled for me today. Why did I pick up the phone?

   It’s time to get tough with these degenerates. It’s time we, as classy and wanting-to-be-entertained people stood up for our rights as a mass audience. Next time someone tells you who dies where and why whoever else killed them, look that sassy asshole right in the eye and tell them if they do it again you’ll never discuss anything with them but tupperware and cars which turn into boats ever again. In fact, tell them you’ll tell all your friends that they gave you herpes. Block all forms of communication with them and live in your safe room.  Better yet, spoil their life’s story for them and tell them when they’re going to die and how you’re going to murder them, then do the world a favour and make sure they pump their fists and know that you were correct. Even if both of you know that ending it seems like it would still be quite enjoyable.

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